too sad for capitalizations.
Mar. 17th, 2025 09:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaerythe storm has passed in big bear valley and the two remaining eaglets are doing well, jackie is feeding them tenderly this morning. i still peek in but i'm trying not to be so deeply invested as the loss of the third chick (there's actually no way to know which chick it was and i have my own suspicions that it was actually the second hatchling that died, though it would make more sense that it was the smallest of the three - the way the little one behaves now just reminds me of chick 3 a lot) in the storm upset me a lot. there's no sound anymore as the storm damaged the equipment for it. it seems on reflection that most likely the chick just got too cold.
there is sun right now here, but the forecast calls for rain all day. i want to get on my bike but will certainly get caught in wet weather if i do so. but i might just do it anyway. i have a raincoat. it was fine getting hailed on last week, i have gear and places to hide and i'm not terribly far from home, i think it'll be fine.
need to get an order out, but first, coffee.
in green, sipping coffee, made josh do our workout to irish music this morning, ha. the soda bread biscuits are amazing. i have more currants and tangerines so we'll do those again. mixing in almond flour and rolled oats helped with the texture. the orange zest is just perfect. i don't have a pastry cutter so i cut in the butter manually with two knives, it's time consuming and exhausting on the forearms, but meditative and therapeutic, it didn't hurt my hands, thankfully. i think baking might be good for my arthritic hands. and washing dishes, because of the warm water. we'll go with that theory for now, heh.
trying to focus on what i have, instead of what i have lost. woke up feeling absolutely awful but i listened to the "pep talk" episode of the Cryptonaturalist and it helped a bit. I really love his work as he suffers from depression like i do, and also does not believe in god, and i get so irritated when told that belief in a higher power is necessary for happiness and longevity. it's harder this way but i can't just pretend to believe something that makes no sense to me. i wish i could. i am well aware of the data that shows that believers live longer. anyway. it was just happenstance that i was working my way through the podcast in order and this was the next episode in the queue. it's his pandemic episode, april 2020. fitting. generally when i'm depressed, i do not seek out pep talks or affirmations. i'm glad this one found me. he does go a little too flowery sometimes romanticizing the beauty of existence, but no harm in that, really. we don't need too many reminders of the painful bits, as long as they are acknowledged as real, difficult, unavoidable, necessary, but not all there is.
avalanche somehow stays happy through it all.
...
josh was singing to his piano playing last week and i made him do karaoke that night and it was so sweet listening to him sing, i told him so and he got really inspired - that was the first time he's ever done karaoke, he said. so i told him to sing more and he's been singing every day since. it's wonderful hearing him try. we did some karaoke together last night and it was pretty fun actually, i chose only silly songs (weird al) and one 80s song i love (bizarre love triangle). i'm still too stressed to sleep with him but i'll get there. housework and tacos from scratch for him, today, he's working so hard, he deserves some extra care.
...
i have this funny quirk in my brain where i interpret caps as yelling. like, if a customer sends me an email with the word "help" all in caps, just looking at the subject line makes me feel nauseated and upset and i often won't reply at all. so when i am in a severe amount of pain, like this morning, i can't tolerate even single letter capitalizations. (i had to excuse myself from a dog mountain snow-shoe invite from tyler and i am just devasted that i can't do it because of the bone spurs in my foot and arthritis in multiple joints, that is going undiagnosed and ignored because i can't get in to get care for it - not that there's much to be done but i need education around protecting myself from too much cumulative damage, and an early-onset diagnosis would help so much in terms of health care insurance and potential future disability claims, but none is forthcoming and my 50th birthday is in two months and by then it will be too late. so my pain is both physical and emotional)
so when i am extra-much hurting, i don't even capitalize single letters. it feels too harsh. i need extra softness. so, sorry for the no-caps, i know it's ugly to most eyes, but it's softer to my internal voice.
there is sun right now here, but the forecast calls for rain all day. i want to get on my bike but will certainly get caught in wet weather if i do so. but i might just do it anyway. i have a raincoat. it was fine getting hailed on last week, i have gear and places to hide and i'm not terribly far from home, i think it'll be fine.
need to get an order out, but first, coffee.
in green, sipping coffee, made josh do our workout to irish music this morning, ha. the soda bread biscuits are amazing. i have more currants and tangerines so we'll do those again. mixing in almond flour and rolled oats helped with the texture. the orange zest is just perfect. i don't have a pastry cutter so i cut in the butter manually with two knives, it's time consuming and exhausting on the forearms, but meditative and therapeutic, it didn't hurt my hands, thankfully. i think baking might be good for my arthritic hands. and washing dishes, because of the warm water. we'll go with that theory for now, heh.
trying to focus on what i have, instead of what i have lost. woke up feeling absolutely awful but i listened to the "pep talk" episode of the Cryptonaturalist and it helped a bit. I really love his work as he suffers from depression like i do, and also does not believe in god, and i get so irritated when told that belief in a higher power is necessary for happiness and longevity. it's harder this way but i can't just pretend to believe something that makes no sense to me. i wish i could. i am well aware of the data that shows that believers live longer. anyway. it was just happenstance that i was working my way through the podcast in order and this was the next episode in the queue. it's his pandemic episode, april 2020. fitting. generally when i'm depressed, i do not seek out pep talks or affirmations. i'm glad this one found me. he does go a little too flowery sometimes romanticizing the beauty of existence, but no harm in that, really. we don't need too many reminders of the painful bits, as long as they are acknowledged as real, difficult, unavoidable, necessary, but not all there is.
avalanche somehow stays happy through it all.
...
josh was singing to his piano playing last week and i made him do karaoke that night and it was so sweet listening to him sing, i told him so and he got really inspired - that was the first time he's ever done karaoke, he said. so i told him to sing more and he's been singing every day since. it's wonderful hearing him try. we did some karaoke together last night and it was pretty fun actually, i chose only silly songs (weird al) and one 80s song i love (bizarre love triangle). i'm still too stressed to sleep with him but i'll get there. housework and tacos from scratch for him, today, he's working so hard, he deserves some extra care.
...
i have this funny quirk in my brain where i interpret caps as yelling. like, if a customer sends me an email with the word "help" all in caps, just looking at the subject line makes me feel nauseated and upset and i often won't reply at all. so when i am in a severe amount of pain, like this morning, i can't tolerate even single letter capitalizations. (i had to excuse myself from a dog mountain snow-shoe invite from tyler and i am just devasted that i can't do it because of the bone spurs in my foot and arthritis in multiple joints, that is going undiagnosed and ignored because i can't get in to get care for it - not that there's much to be done but i need education around protecting myself from too much cumulative damage, and an early-onset diagnosis would help so much in terms of health care insurance and potential future disability claims, but none is forthcoming and my 50th birthday is in two months and by then it will be too late. so my pain is both physical and emotional)
so when i am extra-much hurting, i don't even capitalize single letters. it feels too harsh. i need extra softness. so, sorry for the no-caps, i know it's ugly to most eyes, but it's softer to my internal voice.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-17 09:52 pm (UTC)I don't think it's really a quirk; you and I both have been around the internet long enough to remember pure plain-text communication where that basically was exactly how caps were used. I still read them as yelling, too.