Indian pipe/ghost pipe
Jul. 30th, 2025 12:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryJosh left for a work meeting off-site. Coffee with a vendor, to be precise.
It feels like a giant weight off of my shoulders.
I was about to leave the apartment to do chores, just to get away from the weight.
But now I think I'll lie down and listen to something soft, for about 45 minutes, I imagine he'll be back in an hour, and I don't want to cross paths again for a while.
I will eat chips and candy for dinner and stay out of the apartment for a bit. Get Avalanche some food and a new toy. Get myself some more n/a beer, I'm down to my last can. I drink 1 per day fairly consistently, but not always. Sobriety is not hard anymore, but it's also still not easy. I feel so alienated from those who use substances, and I know very, very few who don't use something on a daily basis. I sort of halfway count anti-depressants, as using. I definitely count adhd meds (Adderall and the like, basically small doses of meth/speed), as I've watched it change the personalities of several former friends to the point that I am no longer friends with them.
...
Tyler and I hiked Neahkanie together yesterday. It was lovely. Very warm at the top. We shared snacks. I brought very little food but he didn't complain at all. He was so unbelievably comforting and kind about the house drama. He shoved a hand under my shirt on the back of my neck while I was driving, and held it there forever. It felt so so good. I don't know what is good enough in me to warrant his affection right now, I feel so useless, but I am so grateful for it, anyway.
After the mountain, we drove to the beach and buried our toes into the velvety sand. It felt better than I remembered. It's been too long. The dry fluffy sand was warmed by the sun, the wet sand was cool and soothing, both were perfect in their way. Put my feet in the freezing pacific waters. Got my hair tossed violently by the wind.
I wish we could become sand instead of ash.
The restaurants were all closing early for the tsunami warning (nothing came of that, it was in Russia and died to nothing by the time it reached here, maybe slightly rougher waves than usual and they told people to stay off the beaches just in case, but it was fine), and getting gas on the way out was tricky, but we managed without too much trouble.
I don't know what is the point of anything. Of living. I like the forest but I still don't understand the point, when we're all just going to die anyway. Nobody seems to ever notice the futility, or care. It's so odd. Disorienting. Why is everyone doing everything.
We found some early season hedgehog mushrooms. We make a good team. I found one first, but he found bigger more hidden clusters once he was on the scent. So fun so fun. We found some ghost pipe as well. (Monotropa Uniflora.) My current favorite flower, although it is not a light eater. It is a mycoheterotroph, parasitic, using fungi instead of photosynthesis for nutrients, specifically Russula types, which the Oregon coast has prolifically.
It relaxes me to think about being at the coast, being in the forest, being at the beach, being with the flowers, being with Tyler.
Will rest a bit and then head out.
It feels like a giant weight off of my shoulders.
I was about to leave the apartment to do chores, just to get away from the weight.
But now I think I'll lie down and listen to something soft, for about 45 minutes, I imagine he'll be back in an hour, and I don't want to cross paths again for a while.
I will eat chips and candy for dinner and stay out of the apartment for a bit. Get Avalanche some food and a new toy. Get myself some more n/a beer, I'm down to my last can. I drink 1 per day fairly consistently, but not always. Sobriety is not hard anymore, but it's also still not easy. I feel so alienated from those who use substances, and I know very, very few who don't use something on a daily basis. I sort of halfway count anti-depressants, as using. I definitely count adhd meds (Adderall and the like, basically small doses of meth/speed), as I've watched it change the personalities of several former friends to the point that I am no longer friends with them.
...
Tyler and I hiked Neahkanie together yesterday. It was lovely. Very warm at the top. We shared snacks. I brought very little food but he didn't complain at all. He was so unbelievably comforting and kind about the house drama. He shoved a hand under my shirt on the back of my neck while I was driving, and held it there forever. It felt so so good. I don't know what is good enough in me to warrant his affection right now, I feel so useless, but I am so grateful for it, anyway.
After the mountain, we drove to the beach and buried our toes into the velvety sand. It felt better than I remembered. It's been too long. The dry fluffy sand was warmed by the sun, the wet sand was cool and soothing, both were perfect in their way. Put my feet in the freezing pacific waters. Got my hair tossed violently by the wind.
I wish we could become sand instead of ash.
The restaurants were all closing early for the tsunami warning (nothing came of that, it was in Russia and died to nothing by the time it reached here, maybe slightly rougher waves than usual and they told people to stay off the beaches just in case, but it was fine), and getting gas on the way out was tricky, but we managed without too much trouble.
I don't know what is the point of anything. Of living. I like the forest but I still don't understand the point, when we're all just going to die anyway. Nobody seems to ever notice the futility, or care. It's so odd. Disorienting. Why is everyone doing everything.
We found some early season hedgehog mushrooms. We make a good team. I found one first, but he found bigger more hidden clusters once he was on the scent. So fun so fun. We found some ghost pipe as well. (Monotropa Uniflora.) My current favorite flower, although it is not a light eater. It is a mycoheterotroph, parasitic, using fungi instead of photosynthesis for nutrients, specifically Russula types, which the Oregon coast has prolifically.
It relaxes me to think about being at the coast, being in the forest, being at the beach, being with the flowers, being with Tyler.
Will rest a bit and then head out.
