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serafaeryI've wanted to much for so many days/weeks to come and just sit and write but once I'm ready I'm always just so so so tired and sleepy.
I have a video visit with OHSU tomorrow and then right after another one with the breast health center, I might pull the plug on my surgery, depending on how all this goes.
I wanted to write out all my questions but I'm just too tired. I will have to do it in the morning, hopefully my head will be clear enough.
Trying for a lookout tower in the morning also. Will see how that goes. So far I've had very little luck with those. I might have to find another place to stay in that area.
Josh and I had a fight Sunday night. We never fight. He swore at me. This has happened maybe thrice ever.
I am just so stressed out about the surgery. Everything in my body is screaming not to do it.
It is not urgent. It is not cancer. I can wait. We can monitor. We can do it in one or five or ten or twenty years if/when it becomes a problem.
sigh.
Still zero interest in sex, that isn't helping things with the relationship. But I'm getting more used to the dreary empty meaninglessness of suburbia, and slightly more settled into the house.
I still don't like it here, but I hate it less. Avalanche and I have bonded over our enjoyment of the backyard.
I have been getting bigger and bigger attacks of vertigo, multiple times a day, it's starting to get worrisome. I think it is just stress.
I cry every day. Over mom, mostly. And the way she died. And the way she turned on me before she got really sick. The way she turned on everyone. Deep down I worry that I deserved it, that I deserved to be hated, that I was really that awful.
But then, I think about all the abusive ways my brother has treated me. And I have never told anyone that I refuse to be in the same room with him. I still love him. I still would help him in an emergency. I still talk to him when he asks. I just don't go seeking for connection. I am more superficial, only because he weaponizes my words if I give him anything with any sort of substance. But I would never dream of disowning him.
It's hard to imagine being a mom and doing that to ones own child, no matter how ungrateful or unpleasant you find them.
I just... I thought the world of her in so many ways. I also despised her in so many ways, when I was younger. I just didn't understand. I don't know why I was so mean and hateful. I guess because she was. I was mimicking. I didn't know any other way to be. How desperately I wish I could change the way she deteriorated, how I wish I could have softened her decline and eased her suffering and made the end of her life happier and longer. It's so complicated and torturous and unbearable to think about, and holidays amplify all of it to a deafening volume that I can't control. I was sobbing at work this morning, out of nowhere, it hit me like a sneaker wave from behind, five minutes before a customer was to arrive, and had to pull myself out of it and redo my eye makeup, it was awful.
I think the stress of the move to a place I hate and the stress of the holidays without parents and the stress of the surgery all at once is just too much for me. I need a break.
I have a video visit with OHSU tomorrow and then right after another one with the breast health center, I might pull the plug on my surgery, depending on how all this goes.
I wanted to write out all my questions but I'm just too tired. I will have to do it in the morning, hopefully my head will be clear enough.
Trying for a lookout tower in the morning also. Will see how that goes. So far I've had very little luck with those. I might have to find another place to stay in that area.
Josh and I had a fight Sunday night. We never fight. He swore at me. This has happened maybe thrice ever.
I am just so stressed out about the surgery. Everything in my body is screaming not to do it.
It is not urgent. It is not cancer. I can wait. We can monitor. We can do it in one or five or ten or twenty years if/when it becomes a problem.
sigh.
Still zero interest in sex, that isn't helping things with the relationship. But I'm getting more used to the dreary empty meaninglessness of suburbia, and slightly more settled into the house.
I still don't like it here, but I hate it less. Avalanche and I have bonded over our enjoyment of the backyard.
I have been getting bigger and bigger attacks of vertigo, multiple times a day, it's starting to get worrisome. I think it is just stress.
I cry every day. Over mom, mostly. And the way she died. And the way she turned on me before she got really sick. The way she turned on everyone. Deep down I worry that I deserved it, that I deserved to be hated, that I was really that awful.
But then, I think about all the abusive ways my brother has treated me. And I have never told anyone that I refuse to be in the same room with him. I still love him. I still would help him in an emergency. I still talk to him when he asks. I just don't go seeking for connection. I am more superficial, only because he weaponizes my words if I give him anything with any sort of substance. But I would never dream of disowning him.
It's hard to imagine being a mom and doing that to ones own child, no matter how ungrateful or unpleasant you find them.
I just... I thought the world of her in so many ways. I also despised her in so many ways, when I was younger. I just didn't understand. I don't know why I was so mean and hateful. I guess because she was. I was mimicking. I didn't know any other way to be. How desperately I wish I could change the way she deteriorated, how I wish I could have softened her decline and eased her suffering and made the end of her life happier and longer. It's so complicated and torturous and unbearable to think about, and holidays amplify all of it to a deafening volume that I can't control. I was sobbing at work this morning, out of nowhere, it hit me like a sneaker wave from behind, five minutes before a customer was to arrive, and had to pull myself out of it and redo my eye makeup, it was awful.
I think the stress of the move to a place I hate and the stress of the holidays without parents and the stress of the surgery all at once is just too much for me. I need a break.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 11:37 am (UTC)The hardest thing is knowing we cannot change them -- parent or child --good or bad.
The fact that you care to consider the strengths and weaknesses of your relationships of the past is what makes you lovely and deserving of grace and forgiveness.
It's those who just barrel through life without these considerations that concern me much more. I know if I were your parent, I would forgive you even long before I would forgive myself, lovely one.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 06:29 pm (UTC)It is impossible to be a perfect parent. I think most importantly it matters that you are trying to do your best. I feel that mom's mistakes were because she just didn't know any better. I hope you receive some grace and forgiveness also, none of it is easy and it seems like you've worked really hard to be the best person you can be.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-16 02:57 pm (UTC)I'm still available to chat about what I know/experienced in the breast surgery scene.
When I was in the lead-up to my surgery I was listening to ChoirGirl Hotel in my car on repeat forever, and crying every time I was alone --which was basically in my car. I was taking longer routes to work and home, just to pretend I lived in a different world, just to have more time alone, just to make more space to cry...
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 06:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-12-18 12:46 pm (UTC)Somehow though I'm really unaccountably happy in my body now without them. But I remember in the seemingly endless limbo of diagnoses and decisions, I was protective even of my tumor. It was part of me. Something warm and alive in my body that I grew. I didn't want to hurt it. I didn't want anyone to hurt it.