generalized anxiety
Feb. 12th, 2026 08:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryWoke up in floods of anxiety. More nightmares about my mom. omg so awful. (She was not well in this last dream. And I was upending my now-stable life to help her.)
In this dream, she was deteriorating more like the way my grandmother did. And I had sort of pushed that death out of my mind and it was unspeakably painful for me to witness in my early 20s and omg my heart is screaming over it, today.
(My grandfather's death was even worse. He died when I was 12.)
Scared about the future, Josh and I aging, and scared about the house, which has not felt scary since xmas. Money feels impossible to collect after starting on taxes yesterday. How will we ever keep paying to live here?
I found a rotten spot on the outside of the kitchen window frame, I think maybe that's where the water disappeared to that I panicked about a couple months ago when I was washing the window on the inside and rinsed it with the kitchen sink sprayer and all the water just... vanished.
If all I wrecked was a small section of the window frame, I am fine with that. Fixable.
But now with all the rain recently, the backyard is soup and the floor under the kitchen feels... less flat. Which worries me.
But honestly I'm sure it's the same amount not-exactly-flat it's always been and I am just worried because I am flooded with anxiety chemicals.
Also. We never really got winter. We've had maybe 3 nights when we hit freezing, and there was frost in the morning. My snowman is still on the porch, I am wearing snowman socks, I am trying so hard to maintain hope, but we never get snow after valentine's day. Except that one time in April recently. :( We do get ice in March though, holding out hope for that. I will tolerate ice and loss of power to refill our empty snow-pack on the mountain.
I know everyone else in the country got excessive winter. But it's also terrifying to just skip over it entirely.
I am late for showering and getting ready for a long day of sparkling. I love my job, I am looking forward to work. Since the intense migraine on Monday I've been mostly resting, which has made me feel guilty and despondent. It will feel good to get some movement in.
Teeth cleaning went well despite my neglectfulness lately.
I have not been able to shower or brush my teeth consistently, again.
I hope it gets better. I will keep trying. I was doing okay for a minute, but things have fallen apart again.
I think I need to take a break from The Schopenhauer Cure book. It is too depressing. I will switch to Strange Animals, I have been waiting for this book with baited breath for more than six months. The author is so delightful (Jarod K Anderson). He is everything I need when it comes to writing. It's just, so relaxing.
But also I still cry sometimes. In good ways. The this-is-too-much-love kind of tears.
In my self-care birb app (Finch), I legit got teary-eyed this morning when my birb hugged the Red Queen - who was threatening to steal Sarooroo's heart because she thinks she doesn't have a heart of her own. omg too much cuteness overload. (We are doing a Wonderland themed event this month. So cute.)
Avalanche helps. She's always happy no matter what. She softly mewed at me this morning to alert me to the spectacular sunrise. It lasted forever. It was so vivid. I can't really get photos of them here because of all the trees, but I can still enjoy them through the gaps in the branches.
One thing I do love about winter months. Getting up with the sun.
In this dream, she was deteriorating more like the way my grandmother did. And I had sort of pushed that death out of my mind and it was unspeakably painful for me to witness in my early 20s and omg my heart is screaming over it, today.
(My grandfather's death was even worse. He died when I was 12.)
Scared about the future, Josh and I aging, and scared about the house, which has not felt scary since xmas. Money feels impossible to collect after starting on taxes yesterday. How will we ever keep paying to live here?
I found a rotten spot on the outside of the kitchen window frame, I think maybe that's where the water disappeared to that I panicked about a couple months ago when I was washing the window on the inside and rinsed it with the kitchen sink sprayer and all the water just... vanished.
If all I wrecked was a small section of the window frame, I am fine with that. Fixable.
But now with all the rain recently, the backyard is soup and the floor under the kitchen feels... less flat. Which worries me.
But honestly I'm sure it's the same amount not-exactly-flat it's always been and I am just worried because I am flooded with anxiety chemicals.
Also. We never really got winter. We've had maybe 3 nights when we hit freezing, and there was frost in the morning. My snowman is still on the porch, I am wearing snowman socks, I am trying so hard to maintain hope, but we never get snow after valentine's day. Except that one time in April recently. :( We do get ice in March though, holding out hope for that. I will tolerate ice and loss of power to refill our empty snow-pack on the mountain.
I know everyone else in the country got excessive winter. But it's also terrifying to just skip over it entirely.
I am late for showering and getting ready for a long day of sparkling. I love my job, I am looking forward to work. Since the intense migraine on Monday I've been mostly resting, which has made me feel guilty and despondent. It will feel good to get some movement in.
Teeth cleaning went well despite my neglectfulness lately.
I have not been able to shower or brush my teeth consistently, again.
I hope it gets better. I will keep trying. I was doing okay for a minute, but things have fallen apart again.
I think I need to take a break from The Schopenhauer Cure book. It is too depressing. I will switch to Strange Animals, I have been waiting for this book with baited breath for more than six months. The author is so delightful (Jarod K Anderson). He is everything I need when it comes to writing. It's just, so relaxing.
But also I still cry sometimes. In good ways. The this-is-too-much-love kind of tears.
In my self-care birb app (Finch), I legit got teary-eyed this morning when my birb hugged the Red Queen - who was threatening to steal Sarooroo's heart because she thinks she doesn't have a heart of her own. omg too much cuteness overload. (We are doing a Wonderland themed event this month. So cute.)
Avalanche helps. She's always happy no matter what. She softly mewed at me this morning to alert me to the spectacular sunrise. It lasted forever. It was so vivid. I can't really get photos of them here because of all the trees, but I can still enjoy them through the gaps in the branches.
One thing I do love about winter months. Getting up with the sun.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-12 05:17 pm (UTC)I feel like we're racing to keep up financially too. My partner has done some drastic 401K investing but it doesn't feel like anything is enough.
I hope the anxiety passes quickly, hugs.
no subject
Date: 2026-02-12 10:50 pm (UTC)I'm sorry your feeling frightened about the future. Sometimes this getting older stuff can get real scary. And with the economy the way it is, affording everything can be daunting.
I hope you get some snow.
I'm proud of you.