serafaery

Still in a lot of pain. Head and throat, head and throat.

Saw Willow today. I think because it was the middle of the day, she was less fearful of treatment happening (I usually do it at night, and occasionally in the morning), and I was also more relaxed and had lots of time to sit and just be quiet with her. I started petting her in her little basket, and she started shivering hardcore. Normally I leave her, because I don't like to be the cause of her fear. But I stuck with her this time, petting her slowly, scritching under her chin, finding places that seemed soothing to her. Her shivering began to diminish. I noticed that it came if I ran my hand over the area I do the injections, so I stayed away from there. Eventually, she stopped shivering altogether, and was able to fall asleep peacefully. I kept petting her, and could pet all the way down her back, over the injection area, without shivering. She would stir and adjust herself, but didn't start shivering again. It was really nice to be able to pet her without scaring her. It's been at least a couple weeks since I've been able to do this.

I am feeling way too much anticipatory grief with her. I keep thinking about her as sick, as fragile, as temporary, I start panicking about how I'm going to put her down without scaring her, how I'm going to deal when she gets sicker. And I think she picks up on it. I'm trying really hard not to do it, but it's really hard. I need to spend spans of several hours with her to feel comfortable and warm and safe and happy with her, but it's really hard to do that at my mom's, with all the craziness over there.

It's hard to know what the best thing to do is.

Made Skot a cake for his birthday. A day late, since I was dying yesterday and couldn't build it (I had baked it and had it cooled in the fridge). Chocolate with cream cheese frosting, with woppers and pocky stuck in the top, hee. It has character, as pHunk put it.

pHunk has been a prince. I don't know how he puts up with me.

I hope I can make it to work tomorrow. I didn't make it to class tonight. Still too sick.

I am starting to wonder if I have a disease that makes me ill every time I push myself in any way. Every time I have a busy day or couple days in a row, without any real down time, I fall miserably ill immediately afterwards. People should be able to function normally during a full day without taking naps and not get sick for it.

Hopefully adding a little bit of physical activity back into my life will help strengthen my immune system a little. Hopefully.

Sleep now.