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serafaerySometimes I am suddenly very taken aback by my livejournal reader's seemingly really poor opinions of me.
I intentionally make no effort to mask or color or hide or spruce up any aspect of anything I'm going through when I write about it, here. I don't do anything to make things seem prettier or to make me seem smarter, more aware, kinder, more thoughtful and careful, than I actually am. If anything I probably represent myself in a much poorer light than what is in fact reality, if you were to witness it for yourself.
I suspect that I am very rare in that. I suspect that if I made my entries make me look the way I wanted people to see me or think about me, I would seem really amazingly brilliant, capable, kind, magical, talented, full of life and love and all the things everyone wants in life.
I do, basically, have everything I imagine are good things to have, in life. Thoughtfulness and joy and a passion for existence and for the people I love. I think I have my priorities exactly straight, even if I don't always act towards them in just the right way.
I wish I could make my readers more aware of what they're missing in reading my honest entries in the same light as everyone else's slanted ones.
Maybe I should cut out al this foolish frankness.
That's not really what I use this journal for, though. It's not for ego boosting or attention-whoring. At least, not anymore. It's for flushing out the ugly stuff, and my ugly interpretations of aspects of myself that are often in fact quite beautiful.
I tend to focus on the bad stuff, because that's what I'm working on correcting. The good stuff is good enough and always getting better. I don't provide a ton of background for whatever issue I'm chewing on, so maybe that is where the skewed perception comes from.
Or maybe people are just not very careful readers online and would consider me kind of a fuckup no matter what or how I wrote.
I definitely don't have as much fun, here, as I used to. Especially since the breakup with pHunk - before that, this was sort of an outlet for getting certain kinds of attention that wasn't necessarily lacking, but that I wanted to reach out for, just for fun. I was more of an attention-whore back then, I guess. (Nothing wrong with that - in moderation.)
Anyway I know I am pretty fucking cool, a good friend, a fun, creative, energetic, playful creature, and there are really incredible people in my life who know me well think so too, and that's all that really matters.
I intentionally make no effort to mask or color or hide or spruce up any aspect of anything I'm going through when I write about it, here. I don't do anything to make things seem prettier or to make me seem smarter, more aware, kinder, more thoughtful and careful, than I actually am. If anything I probably represent myself in a much poorer light than what is in fact reality, if you were to witness it for yourself.
I suspect that I am very rare in that. I suspect that if I made my entries make me look the way I wanted people to see me or think about me, I would seem really amazingly brilliant, capable, kind, magical, talented, full of life and love and all the things everyone wants in life.
I do, basically, have everything I imagine are good things to have, in life. Thoughtfulness and joy and a passion for existence and for the people I love. I think I have my priorities exactly straight, even if I don't always act towards them in just the right way.
I wish I could make my readers more aware of what they're missing in reading my honest entries in the same light as everyone else's slanted ones.
Maybe I should cut out al this foolish frankness.
That's not really what I use this journal for, though. It's not for ego boosting or attention-whoring. At least, not anymore. It's for flushing out the ugly stuff, and my ugly interpretations of aspects of myself that are often in fact quite beautiful.
I tend to focus on the bad stuff, because that's what I'm working on correcting. The good stuff is good enough and always getting better. I don't provide a ton of background for whatever issue I'm chewing on, so maybe that is where the skewed perception comes from.
Or maybe people are just not very careful readers online and would consider me kind of a fuckup no matter what or how I wrote.
I definitely don't have as much fun, here, as I used to. Especially since the breakup with pHunk - before that, this was sort of an outlet for getting certain kinds of attention that wasn't necessarily lacking, but that I wanted to reach out for, just for fun. I was more of an attention-whore back then, I guess. (Nothing wrong with that - in moderation.)
Anyway I know I am pretty fucking cool, a good friend, a fun, creative, energetic, playful creature, and there are really incredible people in my life who know me well think so too, and that's all that really matters.
