(no subject)

Wrecked from the most beautiful (and only) memorial service I've ever attended. (Most of my family is dead but we never had services for anyone. They were just dead.) For my step-brothers' mom, who died just before Thanksgiving. She was a dear thing. I only met her a few times, but I feel so much for my brothers. I've never seen such an outpouring of sincere love.

"She is a gift, and will continue giving to us as long as we continue to love her. And love is infinite."

Part of me wishes that the next cat I get could please be one I don't love as much so that if I end up in a situation that is bad for it - other cats in the house to fight with or an otherwise poor environment, or unable to afford healthy food - that it will be okay and I can still have a cat. But I know that will never happen. My love for animals is infinite. I won't be able to get another cat unless I can ensure that its needs will be fully met by my meager circumstances.

Part of me wants to allow myself to destroy what's left of any possibility for a social or romantic life ever again, stick a fork in it, call it done, and ask my brother and step-dad to move in with me, because at least then I would always be able to rely on a safe place for my cat to live.

I am not in a good way, in this head, today.

Maybe I should just go to sleep.