![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Nov. 30th, 2012 02:04 amBecause of leftovers I hadn't done my kale/onions/mushrooms/starch dinner concoction in a while. omg I can't believe how good I feel when I eat that. I ate all of the cauliflower mushrooms. Yum.
It took a long time to cook. I enjoyed it, though, as always.
Forced myself to skate tonight and did so well. I could have done better but sort of let my self-doubt get the better of me. Which I always do, skating alone as I do. I need a coach.
I did a few really nice axels and then tried to work my way up to a double salchow. I tried one and it was an absolutely perfect takeoff and would have been a beautiful jump but I chickened out and popped open halfway through. erf, so frustrating. Next time.
Got some sweet compliments from a couple of skaters when I was done. One called me "very graceful." Awww. I feel so heavy and awkward right now. I've been stress eating soooooo much, and sort of giving myself permission to do so, and am the heaviest I've been in a really long time. Not that I'm overweight, just heavier than I'd like for skating/aerial purposes. The lighter I am the easier it is to jump and climb.
I miss my coach. Too much loss. I feel like I live 20 people's worth of life in this body. I suffer too much, I struggle too much, I push myself too much, I've lost far too much for someone my age.
Werk was weird today. It is bizarre to me that everyone in that hallway makes 2-3x as much as me but are completely incapacitated if a copier jams. Fixing it requires nothing beyond common sense. Really. Promise. How can everyone be so dumb and also be financially secure, while I magically manage to fix the copier that is set up to be easy for a monkey to fix and can barely make rent. At least they brought me a latte in thanks. Which was just weird.
Do you think my step-family would adopt me? I need a family. They are so full of love for one another. I realized today, thinking about the memorial service, how... it was focused around Tom and Jim the most, and I'm their only sister, but I felt like such an outsider. I know I'm just a step-sister, but they've always been like brothers to me. I will always love them in a way I love no one else. My big brothers. </3 :( I feel so trapped and scared and alone. I keep wanting to apologize to P-Funk for what's going to happen to his quality of life when my roommates leave. I feel totally undesirable and worthless. I can't shake it. It takes so much work to shake it and I'm so exhausted from trying to generate an inner, independent sense of self-worth. I need help. I can't ask for it. I'm crippled by anxiety over the tiniest things. Totally unable to verbally express my needs. It was never safe to do so, growing up, and now the habit sends rocks down my throat whenever I think about trying. Can't swallow, they just get stuck in hard knots that makes it hard to breathe or raise my eyes or do anything but sleep.
It took a long time to cook. I enjoyed it, though, as always.
Forced myself to skate tonight and did so well. I could have done better but sort of let my self-doubt get the better of me. Which I always do, skating alone as I do. I need a coach.
I did a few really nice axels and then tried to work my way up to a double salchow. I tried one and it was an absolutely perfect takeoff and would have been a beautiful jump but I chickened out and popped open halfway through. erf, so frustrating. Next time.
Got some sweet compliments from a couple of skaters when I was done. One called me "very graceful." Awww. I feel so heavy and awkward right now. I've been stress eating soooooo much, and sort of giving myself permission to do so, and am the heaviest I've been in a really long time. Not that I'm overweight, just heavier than I'd like for skating/aerial purposes. The lighter I am the easier it is to jump and climb.
I miss my coach. Too much loss. I feel like I live 20 people's worth of life in this body. I suffer too much, I struggle too much, I push myself too much, I've lost far too much for someone my age.
Werk was weird today. It is bizarre to me that everyone in that hallway makes 2-3x as much as me but are completely incapacitated if a copier jams. Fixing it requires nothing beyond common sense. Really. Promise. How can everyone be so dumb and also be financially secure, while I magically manage to fix the copier that is set up to be easy for a monkey to fix and can barely make rent. At least they brought me a latte in thanks. Which was just weird.
Do you think my step-family would adopt me? I need a family. They are so full of love for one another. I realized today, thinking about the memorial service, how... it was focused around Tom and Jim the most, and I'm their only sister, but I felt like such an outsider. I know I'm just a step-sister, but they've always been like brothers to me. I will always love them in a way I love no one else. My big brothers. </3 :( I feel so trapped and scared and alone. I keep wanting to apologize to P-Funk for what's going to happen to his quality of life when my roommates leave. I feel totally undesirable and worthless. I can't shake it. It takes so much work to shake it and I'm so exhausted from trying to generate an inner, independent sense of self-worth. I need help. I can't ask for it. I'm crippled by anxiety over the tiniest things. Totally unable to verbally express my needs. It was never safe to do so, growing up, and now the habit sends rocks down my throat whenever I think about trying. Can't swallow, they just get stuck in hard knots that makes it hard to breathe or raise my eyes or do anything but sleep.
