leaves

Old Man Leaves Party

It was clear when I left the party
That though I was over eighty I still had
A beautiful body. The moon shone down as it will
On moments of deep introspection. The wind held its breath.
And look, somebody left a mirror leaning against a tree.
Making sure that I was alone, I took off my shirt.
The flowers of bear grass nodded their moonwashed heads.
I took off my pants and the magpies circled the redwoods.
Down in the valley the creaking river was flowing once more.
How strange that I should stand in the wilds alone with my body.
I know what you are thinking. I was like you once. But now
With so much before me, so many emerald trees, and
Weed-whitened fields, mountains and lakes, how could I not
Be only myself, this dream of flesh, from moment to moment?

—Mark Strand

holiday discomfort.

on tough nights after tough days like today when i got stuck doing computer work (and constantly distracted by youtube or whathaveyou) and spent all of my excess spoons on cooking food for Josh, and cleaning after making said food, and failing to avoid snacking all day long (I really hate it when I do that, it's stress eating and it's bad for me, but at least i didn't open a beer, i thought about it for hours), it gets really hard not to devolve into sadness over my mother's condition, and my father's death, and all of the hardships my family and I have endured over the years. how sad and unnecessary all of that pain was. the constant fear of not having enough to get by, just, pervasive and horrible. If I let myself think about it, it's all just too much, no matter how nice things are now. It isn't too late, for me to have a fulfilling, gentle, healthful, productive, creative life, but it feels like it, sometimes. I can't stop thinking about how miserable mom was last christmas, how she cried when i brought her christmas music, she was in so much pain from the broken hip. i am so sad that we can't be there to try to comfort her in some way, not that we were able to, she didn't know who we were anymore anyway, i just. it feels so wrong to be separated from her like this.