xmas wishes

i need rain pants.
and a bag to store wool in that the moths can't get into.
and a bell for my bike.
and a hot drink holder for my bike.

and a place to do silks.

juniper

the juniper outside the bedroom window yesterday morning, with the angle of the sun catching the water droplets from a long night of soaking rain and a brilliant sunrise, was made into a sparkling crystal rainbow chandelier. it was impossible to photograph.

hypervigilance

one thing about having had a lifetime of financial and emotional and spiritual pain and struggle is the constant anxiety that comes with an unforeseen secure and comfortable lifestyle. when is it going to all get ripped away, and how unprepared have i become for such an inevitable occurrence. goes the mind chatter. if i'm not grateful enough i will lose everything and end up in a soggy tent on the pavement. i will never really be good enough to be worthy of any of this.

it will pass, this hurt.

(I've been unexpectedly hurt by the rejection and rudeness over refusing to gather with family for the holidays. i thought they would be grateful for our sacrifice - we wanted to be there with everyone, of course. but we were treated so poorly for it.)