mom.

Josh had planned this trip to Bend a couple of weeks ago, to take care of some business and also sneak in some recreation. I was going to stay home, after losing mom on Tuesday, but at the last minute Wednesday night I decided I would still come. There was no real reason to stay home, any calls I needed to make could be made from there.

The drive yesterday was nice. I intermittently laugh, chitter away, cry, and am silent. I try not to talk about the worst of what goes through my head, it's not helpful to anyone. A lot of it just leaks out my eyes.

It's hard. It's hard not to have so much regret over how hard my relationship with mom was. I was such a mean daughter, we were such an emotionally abusive household. There is so much old hurt there that will never heal. I've learned so much, about how to be patient and kind. I need to apply this to my brother, whom I judge and rail over ceaselessly and mercilessly and I don't know why. He's an amazing human being, he's the strongest person I know, he's smart and creative and kind and funny and so loving, there is no reason for me to treat him that way or look down on him like I do, I don't know why I do it and it has to stop. We've had a lot of hard painful things between us, but it has to stop.

The drive was nice. Pleasant and quiet. We woke up this morning to snowfall. It's still falling. It's so beautiful and unexpected and peaceful. We thought we'd find snow out at the ski area today, but not here at the tiny house we rented through AirBnB. This is the house where we spent New Year's Eve with Tyler. It's so darling. Shawn came over for dinner last night, since he works right up the hill. It was so nice to be able to hang out.

I've mourned the loss of my mother for so long. That's not really what's happening, here. Of course it's different now that her body is really no more holding any life. But she's been gone a very, very long time. This part is for me more about processing the witnessing of a death, and the death of the one person on this earth who made me, who was the most like me, the one who gave me life, watching her life end, and dealing with the emotional fallout of that. I feel so wildly fragile. Our little frail bodies are so delicate. It's insane, we're floating around life like snowflakes, able to suddenly disintegrate at the slightest misstep. We can't think this way all of the time but life is like that. I have been thinking a lot about how much more substantial things are that are not alive. Rocks and earth, minerals, water, air, electricity, metals and gasses, fire and breath, equipment and products, dwellings and mountains, gravity and mass, magnetic forces and signals, stars and space and planets and the quiet dignity of the solidness beneath us that supports us all, that birthed us all. We run around on the top of it, little noisy flickers, while it breathes and sighs and works its slow, silent processes, unaware and uncaring and the holder of it all, creator and absorber. To have come from that substrate and to return to it so quickly, after all the millennia of time that conspired to bring me here. To look and appreciate and delight and revel in what can pop up out of it. Life is such a tiny part of it all. But it's all I know so I cling to it.

It's a strange sensation that mom's illness was so much more painful than death itself. All of the fear and anxiety leading up to it was way worse. It didn't scare me the way I imagined it would. This was not a horrible event. It was gentle and quiet. Dementia is horrible. Death, not so much.

I should shower and dress for skiing, Josh will be back soon. I'm glad I'm here. Mom loved snow. I love snow the way she did. There is so much of me that is so much like her. The way I delight in little pretty things, the way they feel like everything to me, a snowfall, holiday lights on homes and trees, a cat's purr, a hot cup of coffee. All of this love.

I just would have given anything to give her everything she needed and deserved. I'm so sad that she never got to feel what I've only just in the last two years felt, this feeling finally of not being constantly afraid of becoming homeless and destitute. Feeling secure and safe and supported and like I have enough. She never got to feel that and I would have given everything to give it to her. To give her the dreams she had of having a small amount of land, a little homestead with a horse and some chickens, a quiet farm house with animals and warmth and comfort and no work except the work she chose to do. She deserved that. Maybe I can do something to give it to my brother, instead. My dreams have already come true, I couldn't feel more lucky or content. I wish she could have seen how well I was able to finally create a good life for myself, finally, finally, after so much suffering and fear. Some part of me hopes she can somehow understand, now, and feel the peace that she always deserved.

surprise snowfall

turns out Josh will not be back soon. the snow is still falling and it took him 3 hours to get to Bend, instead of the typical 40 minutes. oops. he is afraid to drive back, he spun out at one point and passed so many wrecks and closed roads. so I told him to take his time and do what he needs to do. he has my skis, sadly, but my ski boots are here, so I will go tromp around in the snow while I wait for him to make his slow return. it's a beautiful surprise, I don't mind being alone and stranded in all this beauty. the snow is very soothing to my grief. i remember when i was going through mom's house, after she lost it (I did not salvage enough, I didn't have the space or the energy, back then, to save what I needed to save, it's really sad) there were photos of the most recent winter snowfall taped all over the kitchen, photos of the back yard and plants and trees blanketed in snow. mom found such beauty and magic in snow, always.

a huge hawk just flew by, and a crane landed in the field across the road. need to go get out into it here shortly. having the cookies i baked yesterday morning before we left for breakfast (chocolate chip with whole grain spelt flour, coconut oil, cranberries and walnuts) along with sweet/salty roasted hazelnuts and a mandarin orange, and coffeeeeeeeeee.

i'm grateful to be here.

tried to call tyler but his phone is off. i wonder what he is up to.

distractions

I think I found the doctor I spoke with the night before mom died. He's the Associate Medical Director for the entire Providence Elderplace system and does a lot of coverage for doctors, the receptionist explained to me. His photo looks like the right age for the person I was speaking with. I will let my brother know. I have his email address and his cell number, I kind of want to verify that it's him by voice before I write anything to him, but I also don't want to take his time, he's too valuable to distract from the work he does, if that makes sense. I hate when I get star struck over people who are invaluable. I don't know how to act and I have this impulse to try to force them to be my friend. I don't need to be Erik's friend though, I just need to thank him.

All I want to do is watch more stupid vampire garbage lol, it's so fun.

kitty woes.

just want to vent for a moment, that the girl who owned the fernie brae, where i worked before pandemic shut us all down, when she lost her beloved elder cat familiar the year before last, went and got she and her 6yo son a kitten. that kitten was very clearly (to me) difficult from the beginning. i remember feeling oddly resentful and irritated that i didn't have a kitten, but glad i knew better than to go get one. it's asking for trouble.

now she's decided the kitten needs to be rehomed. because it is peeing on her couch, and "stressed" by the "kid energy" in her house.

she has had tact enough not to ask me directly to take Moon. But some mutual friends have all started tagging me in her re-homing posts.

No.

You do not get to have the joy of having a kitten, and as soon as it gets difficult, pawn off the difficult cat onto your friend who is known for handling difficult cats. I don't deserve that, after everything I've been through. There is a reason I don't pick up random kittens. It is asking for two decades of difficulty. I did not ask for Moon. I would not have picked out Moon for my kitten. She did not resonate with me, cute as she was as a baby. I very purposefully did not do the irresponsible thing and go get a cat that I didn't know or understand. I am not cleaning up another person's mess.

I wish people would think before they make these sorts of "well-meaning" attempts to help. Do they think I don't know that Bryonie is trying to get rid of Moon? I don't want her or I would have taken her months ago, when she first started complaining about the pee. It's not. my. problem. She made her choice and now she will have to deal with the consequences, not me.

I feel bad for her and the cat, but she will be rehomed, it will be fine, or she will be euthanized and to be real that would be fine, too. Death is better than prolonged suffering.

I do want a cat. but I keep getting messages that I need to hold out for a dog. Or perhaps a cat-dog combo at some point. Shelters are swamped with adoptions, they are all empty. Even Sunny and Violet, the two shy black fuzzballs at Darwin's shelter, got snatched up. I don't need a cat right now, I can barely take care of myself.