wee hours yesterday morning.

Oh I forgot to mention the MRI. It was so not a big deal that I kinda spaced it. It turned out to only be 20 minutes so being stuck in the waiting room for half an hour was worse than the actual scan.

I had worked really hard in the rock gym with josh the night before in an attempt to get my shoulder in the most inflamed state possible, since in my experience with my hip, 20 years ago, the mri showed inflammation but not a tear in my labrum (it's possible my shoulder also has a torn or inflamed labrum, who knows).

the contraption they wrapped around my shoulder didn't hurt.

It was a little weird being shoved in a tube but once I relaxed into it, it was almost soothing.

I had to get up really early though, and be at the hospital for a long time, and I had to reward myself when I left with my first peppermint mocha in years, since it's so rare that I will actually go to get scans like this done.

Because Josh is changing jobs, we lose health insurance at the end of the month, so I won't be able to do anything with the info from the scan until February anyway, when his new benefits kick in, whatever those will be (we don't know yet).

It's really funny how different my reaction to my shoulder pain is when I intentionally hurt it. I did everything I could in the gym to mess up my shoulder and it definitely worked, I'm in a lot of pain now, but I'm just amused by it, instead of upset? It's not upsetting me in the slightest, mood-wise. It's really funny how different my psychological reaction to this is, I need to make note of this and figure out how to tap into it for the future.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the scan will reveal nothing and I will just be stuck with a messed up shoulder for the rest of my life. So be it. I will have to find a way to cope.

It was weird in the waiting room. I watched these really cool fish in a fish tank for 20 minutes. Their bodies are like little shimmery flowers. There was one that propelled using its vertical top and bottom fin, like a sun fish, and it was purple and blue with a stunningly pretty purple crescent moon for a tail. And a little puffer fish, and a couple of shiny stripy things. I looked around the waiting room, and every single other person in there, even the nurses, were staring at their phones.

...

I went to Tiny's, a local cafe, for my peppermint mocha, after my scan, and they recently started allowing people to sit inside again. The place was PACKED. We are all so desperate for this. The poor barista is usually so bored on Wednesday mornings that she sits and reads, and it took her 15 minutes to get to my mocha. I didn't care, I was just happy to be done, and the coconut milk half sweet peppermint mocha as the best thing that had ever happened to me.

...

I am dealing with the fact that I want to connect with my step-niece and step-nephew (I don't call them that, but they are not blood relatives) differently, and that the reason for this is because I've accepted the fact that I am going to die before they do, and we will probably know each other for the rest of my life, and i just kinda want to foster that connection. I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, it's awkward and embarrassing and I don't think they will mind, but they will be confused by my sudden interest in their lives, I think. I guess I'm confused, too. And scared.

I used to love the holidays.

halp cannot do the thing

one problem with making my own working hours is that suddenly when i'm in the middle of the move i'm beholden to another's schedule and have no idea how to navigate this space (so i just sit paralyzed surrounded by empty moving boxes meep)

moving just sux

two nights ago all i wanted to do was go dance. now i feel horrible and like i don't want anyone to look at me.

i'll go anyway, i just hate my body and my face so much sometimes.

reading sad reports about my j&j shot - more blood clots in women my age and also a lab report from south africa showing absolutely zero effectiveness against omicron, ugh. i didn't want to get a booster before the holidays but now it's like, booster or omicron, take your pick. sigh.

on the plus side, outside of the lab it does appear that the j&j shot is showing some sort of protection, who knows why that would be, it's just a guess at this point because it isn't antibodies. and, not a single case of omicron in South Africa has killed anyone yet, and it's the dominant strain there, now.

my diet the last two days have consisted of fresh fruit, nuts, cookies, potato chips, and popcorn. and a lot of coffee like usual. still. NOT GOOD serafaery.

it's just stress eating. moving freakin' sux.

i feel better now that i started to put stuff in boxes. this will be terrible but we'll get through it.

i'm going to buy all new office furniture but i have to wait until january since i already spent so much on business supplies this year and won't get any sort of tax break if i buy more stuff for work this year. i need a large cabinet for sparkle and shipping supplies storage, a new desk (mine was free on CL in 2004 and falling apart), a new dresser and nightstand (hand-me-downs from the 80s and also rickity, drawers won't close, paint peeling, falling apart) and a new file cabinet. a shelf would be nice too. it's like two grand of furniture i need total probably, but i've literally never in my life bought new furniture for myself so maybe it's okay. i would love it if i could just paint my larger storage dresser and keep it, but i know i never will - maybe i'll just keep the ugly green monstrosity i dunno. i guess green is kind of a faery color. everything i'm planning on ordering in january is grey.

i'd like to replace the little plastic storage cubbies at some point too but for now i need them. so hideous argh.

my skates are still sitting here, waiting to be shipped for repair, in the way of all my moving activities, bleargh. how do i make myself ship them off? why am i so stuck on this.

lunar is so nervous, poor meow. we're giving him all the reassurance we can.

should get dressed and go dance.