post-holiday crash.

need to be honest with myself that i'm bereft that tyler is being mean over the holidays, finley is entirely absent and unresponsive (this is normal for him, especially this time of year, and he has warned me of this, i am not supposed to take it personally but it still hurts), and i've realized that the magic mom brought to christmas cannot be continued with my brother - we failed entirely this year and i have no desire to ever try again. and neither does he, he said as much, that next year we'll just join the step-family for chinese. it's just gone. christmas morning is gone. santa never came. i cannot carry that magic forward, it was all her, i don't have it, i don't know how to create it, no one wants to share it with me, no one cares or understands or ever will. i thought i could honor her in this way but i can't. i don't know how to honor her memory at all. all i can do is feel loss.

gold rush.

some days taylor knows how to help.


Gleaming
Twinkling
Eyes like sinking ships
On waters so inviting
I almost jump in

But I don't like a gold rush, gold rush
I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush
I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch
Everybody wants you
Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you
Walk past, quick brush
I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush
I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush
Everybody wants you
But I don't like a gold rush

What must it be like
To grow up that beautiful?
With your hair falling into place like dominos
I see me padding 'cross your wooden floors
With my Eagles t-shirt hanging from the door
At dinner parties
I call you out on your contrarian shit
And the coastal town
We wandered 'round had never
Seen a love as pure as it
And then it fades into the gray of my day old tea
'Cause you know it could never be

'Cause I don't like a gold rush, gold rush
I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush
I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch
Everybody wants you
Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you
Walk past, quick brush
I don't like slow motion double vision in rose blush
I don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush
Everybody wants you
But I don't like a gold rush

What must it be like
To grow up that beautiful?
With your hair falling into place like dominoes

My mind turns your life into folklore
I can't dare to dream about you anymore

At dinner parties
Won't call you out on your contrarian shit
And the coastal town
We never found will never
See a love as pure as it
'Cause it fades into the gray of my day old tea
'Cause it will never be

Gleaming
Twinkling
Eyes like sinking ships
On waters so inviting
I almost jump in

we're all sick but it's okay.

ended up staying home, did not go skiing. it's a perfect day but i'm just too sad, too many tears. too much stress leftover from holidays and the move. skiing is normally what i do to relieve stress but i just needed a down day i guess. i haven't had one in what feels like years.

i'm in a lot of physical pain, today. will try to work on that. do some light exercise and stretching. maybe climb later.

watched this video about omicron, i watched this guy's youtube a lot at the beginning of pandemic and i've been struggling to understand conflicting reports about omicron and what it means for us going forward, and this really helped me a lot. except for the unsettling fact that there is simply no escaping its reach.

Watch on YouTube

messed up day.

pretty much just slept all day. trying to catch up on years of lost sleep maybe.

i made josh give me back my room. he says he will sleep on the couch. his bed will be here next week.

my room is a disaster but at least it has a door and it's mine. i was going to work on it today but i am surprised i even managed to get my orders out, let alone anything else, so. maybe tomorrow.

ruined a batch of cookies (still figuring out this new oven), but also made a wonderful batch of egg nog from scratch. i put rum in it and now i am not sober and i am very happy about this development tbh.

ran one errand mid-day to copy a key, got coffee at my old cafe by my brother's old house that he sold. the barista was blatantly abusing customers, it was wild, she really needs to not work there. i will not go back for a while. she's family so i guess that's why she's still there, she's always been like this but it's gotten flagrant where she was actively snapping at people when she was confused by their orders or whatever. so bad.

but, my brother's house was decked out in the cutest xmas lights. even the little picket fence was strung with lights. and this brought me such joy, to see the house being loved. we loved it so, well i did anyway, me and Darwin, my tiny fluffermuffin old old ancient rescue kittycat, and these people are loving it even harder. i am grateful to have seen that.

i miss darwin so. lunar is trying to be comforting but he's not quite old enough yet to understand what i'm going through. Darwin knew things.

NIN and Health are making me feel better.

despite the massive downswing of mood, i took my vitamins, and i did eat a few healthy things. good habits hanging in there despite the deep desire to completely self-destruct.

this will pass. like everything does.

i'm upset about the situation with my brother but hoping i can just slowly edge away from him and he won't notice too much. he's so oblivious and his health is so fragile that i'm afraid if i say anything truthful to him he'll end up in the hospital. or worse.

been crying all day but that's okay. mom's worth crying over.

oooo I am really enjoying this health/soft moon crossover.

drunken late night musings from my bedroom

andrea (who i've been online friends with since LJ back in like 2000 or so) gave me this "fireside flurries" body lotion for christmas from bath and bodyworks, a store that has been an obsession for me since pandemic, i've indulged in many of their fall and winter fragrances and currently have their marshmellow pumpkin latte and hot cocoa and cream body lotions, but neither of those come in this large size that the fireside flurries is. anyway, it smells faintly smoky and faintly chocolatey/sweet and ever so faintly musky, sort of like a toasted marshmellow resting on a dearskin rug? and i just cannot express how happy it makes me every time i slather it all over myself.

my room is nothing but boxes but it has such potential to be such a dreamy unicorn haven of loveliness. i have blue and purple string lights up and i bought two washable unicorn rugs for it already, sleeping under fuzzy bats tonight. andrea would be proud, my little gothmas wombat goddess. i cannot express how much i love her, people like her make me fear death less because if they're here the world doesn't really need me so much. the things i love will persist, through them.