buried under the weather.

feeling soooooo low. did my sunshine protocol this morning and walked to coffee after getting some pet supplies and groceries, but still mood is totally tanked.

i skipped two periods in a row, that feels awful, that is part of it. also slightly sick, my temp went back up today to well above normal, but not quite "fever" range, borderline maybe. definitely unwell. throat soreness came back.

just deep hard self-loathing. don't know how to fight it. i feel trapped inside a body and a brain that i don't like at all. i can barely stand being in the same room with myself rn.

josh is completely panicked and spinning out and feeling low, too, so we're not able to help one another get through the stress of the ice storm that's predicted for tomorrow and it sucks. instead we're at each other's throats a bit. i am doing everything i can to deescalate and stay calm, but the wrong thing slips out anyway and then he gets totally triggered. he's usually not volatile at all so it's extra hard for me as I've not practiced this very much and i myself am in a very weakened state.

i know it won't feel like this forever, it's just so stressful in the moment.

the cat is great. it's not helpful that josh asked, "when are you going to stop being so cat-focused." :( she hasn't even been here a week?

found a cat scratching post i forgot i had down in the basement. it's in my room now.

worried for the birds. just worried all-around really.

i realized in a conversation with Tyler, not recently actually, but during our last hike together, that Josh trying to get me to stop helping everyone is problematic because when I turn off my help-others impulse, it's not only dulling my light, going against my values, and ruining my mood, but it also turns off my caretaking impulse toward the cat and toward him. I realized I was neglecting to freshen the cat's water or give her treats or brush her, and I forgot to bring mushrooms to our lookout tower trip which he's *still* upset about. Need to talk to my therapist about this, maybe. I feel like i'm losing the last bit of what I liked about myself, when I'm not being caretaking-focused. I feel like I have no sense of boundaries or self-preservation, no judgement or capability to determine appropriate behavior in any situation, I don't know when or how to offer help and nobody receives it well when I do try to offer, they refuse and rebuff, which makes me feel like I'm not trusted or worth having as a friend or family member at all, not in any way valuable as a person.

I have this crawling sinking feeling of all humanity being relatively worthless, not just myself. Usually I don't judge others anywhere nearly as harshly as I do myself but lately I do and it's bad. I am hoping this is just depression and not a true reflection of how I really see the world, at this stage in my life.

I think partly too there is an issue here of trauma and lack of resiliency due to that. The bad weather and so many people without power and us without any backup heat or cooking options reminds me of the insecurity of my youth. I was reminded during this of how I used to obsess about how to live independently in a bike trailer with only a few possessions and nowhere but the trailer to call home, and how I might be able to manage it - back then it was me and my dog in these scenarios, just the two of us, with just enough bedding and lights and supplies to survive and nothing more. I used to fantasize about living in a hole in the ground also, somehow building a little fire pit with a chimney and being able to hide from every danger there, just the two of us. I thought about this for hours and hours and hours for so much of my childhood, dreaming up every emergency and how I could somehow buffer myself and make myself safe. None of these ideas were in any way practical. I was just so scared, all of the time.

It's why I used to hope and hope and hope that aliens would abduct me, I think. Get me out of here. I don't care if I have to do parlour tricks as your human pet, that's better than this hellscape.

I need to talk to my therapist about my brother's letter he sent me, also, and the stupid once-per-month payment plan he's trying to force on me that I definitely don't want. As well as his demand for "outside mediation" to try to "resolve" this dispute about P-Funk's care, as if we can't just move forward with the knowledge that I don't trust him with my pets, period. That will never change, it doesn't matter how much we talk about the past.

Also, I want to talk to my therapist about this issue with Jodie's husband Mariano liking me so much and how much it annoys Josh. I was trying to explain to Josh yesterday that Mariano's affection isn't what he thinks it is. Those of us who were raised in chaotic unstable impoverished unsafe environments by addicts resonate with one another in ways other people don't. We can recognize this in one another without having to talk about details. Jodie (Mariano's wife) and Josh (my husband) do not have this experience; they had stable, nourishing childhoods. So they look at the way Mariano and I relate and they get annoyed and misunderstand. They can't understand. When you have cPTSD, only others with cPTSD can really understand how you feel. Mariano wants to make a place for me because he understands not having a safe place that feels like belonging. Of always longing for a home that doesn't exist, that never existed. I used to cry and cry and cry at night, as a child, "I want to go home." When I was in my bedroom. I didn't know how else to express the feeling. Of lack of safety, lack of acceptance for who I am, lack of unconditional love; a deep and profound lack of belonging.

...

the sunset tonight is really beautiful. turning the icy crunchy snow all pink and lavender.

Galangal

There were a couple other things I wanted to get out about what's been causing me so much distress, but I keep spacing them because brain fog is one of them. the level of forgetfulness is intense. I am so tired of multitasking and then constantly forgetting what I am doing. It is something I was starting to try to train myself away from during pandemic but it's gotten really, really bad in the last few months. I am so constantly worried about managing everyone else's emotional state, it's something that has been revealed in therapy and it's really toxic for everyone and has to stop.

Some of it is also physical pain - my aches and pains have increased so much. I feel like I never really get a chance to heal.

There was one other thing, gah. My poor brain. Hopefully I'll think of it again, I just need to type it out, it's sort of like, detoxing, for me, to write these things down that are bothering me so much, but sitting under the surface and half suppressed.

Kitten is being very sweet and patient. She wants more attention but does not pester. She just asks politely. Such a love, my goodness. The blue eyes and pink nose and white fur is too much, she's too pretty to look at, it's wild.

I want to bake but we have too much food and I don't want to eat. Maybe some simple dinner rolls? I dunno. Craving comfort food. Nothing seems to do the trick. What can I do with leftover meringue? Maybe a fluffy ginger banana bread? I accidentally got too many bananas. And that Hawaiian ginger-like Galangal is incredible.

....

ETA: Ha, I just re-whipped my egg whites and ate a bowl of them with cinnamon (I had added vanilla to this as an alt version of whipped cream for the egg nog I made while tyler was here)

I remembered someone telling me on social media today that there is an effect of sobriety that big dates can be extra hard - I am struggling through my final week to reach a year of sobriety (no alcohol, and I don't do weed or other drugs either, just caffeine and the occasional serotonin-like compound in small doses) and apparently this is really common, that when big dates come up things feel a lot more challenging suddenly. Oh the joys of Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS).


While acute withdrawal refers primarily to the body's process of healing, a second phase of withdrawal symptoms, known as post-acute withdrawal syndrome, or PAWS, occurs as the brain recalibrates after active addiction. These symptoms, unlike the first stage of acute withdrawal, typically involve more of the psychological and emotional aspects of withdrawal. Depending on the duration and intensity of alcohol or other drug addiction, this secondary withdrawal syndrome can occur a few weeks into recovery or a few months down the road.

Often, symptoms are triggered by stress or brought on by situations involving people, places or things that remind the individual of using. Many people in recovery describe the symptoms of PAWS as ebbing and flowing like a wave or having an "up and down" roller coaster effect. In the early phases of abstinence from substance use, symptoms can change by the minute. As individuals move into long-term recovery from alcohol or drug dependence, the symptoms occur less and less frequently.

What are the most common symptoms of PAWS?
In order to minimize the risk of relapse, it's important to recognize that many of the unpleasant or uncomfortable sensations and feelings you experience in early recovery could be symptoms of PAWS. It's also important to understand that PAWS symptoms are temporary. Here are some of the most common symptoms:

Foggy thinking/trouble remembering
Urges and cravings
Irritability or hostility
Sleep disturbances—insomnia or vivid dreams
Fatigue
Issues with fine motor coordination
Stress sensitivity
Anxiety or panic
Depression
Lack of initiative
Impaired ability to focus
Mood swings