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discomfort with being comfortable.
Feb. 20th, 2024 06:36 pmHaven't been journaling much. Been pretty moody and stressed and busybusy.
I think having counseling weekly also means I just don't have quite as much stuff to flush out here. But I shouldn't let that slow me down, I need to journal just as much, with or without therapy.
Today was lovely. My therapist helped calm me down a little bit, comforted me over the spinning out from our last session, as we're hitting some really deep trauma that I haven't ever wanted to unearth and never really fully understood the impact of. I've been hurting and also a bit adrift, not sure what the point of anything is, which he says is very typical when someone passes one year of sobriety.
I did silks and visited Jim's cats unscheduled, just to say hi to them, and took myself soaking on a whim, just because I had the time and have been hurting so much. It was really nice. I prefer going alone, as fun as it is to go with Josh or Finley.
Part of my reluctance to join Josh and Natasha on the Moab trip in May is because I enjoy having the apartment to myself. And I never do because while I am gone constantly working or grocery shopping or hiking or etc., Josh is pretty much always here, when I am.
I can't decide if I will be jealous and angry with myself for not going or if I will be just so happy to be home alone with the kitten.
Avalanche got spayed yesterday, she is handling the cone so well, and recovering nicely. She plays but not too much, rests and eats and let me pill her this morning without difficulty, I did not get bitten. Despite being put through all this, she looks at me with such an expression of love and care. She still sleeps with me every night. Though she has only draped herself across my chest a couple of times. Last night she was snoring, and I dreamed of Darwin, because he used to snore the same way, this soft, gentle, rhythmic, musical snoozing that was just soooo adorable. I think it's a smoosh-face thing, Darwin had some sort of persian or other smooshyface cat in him.
It was one of those kind of sad dreams where I was like, "Oh, Darwin is still alive, I thought he was gone!" which I often have with pets I have lost. When I awoke and slowly realized it was Avalanche who was snoring, having her was such a comfort. She purrs and purrs. It's so sweet how overflowing with love she is, just kinda naturally. She just loves life, she just loves being a cat. The contentment is palpable and so comforting and dazzling to witness. An animal who is so consistently happy.
I've been trying to brush her lots every day since she can't groom herself with the cone on, she seems to really appreciate it and is hungry for lap time, probably largely for this reason. It's been a nice way to bond with her more, if a little messy and time-consuming. She's worth it.
My step-brother Jim has a camera hooked up in his kitchen to watch the cats, and he can talk through it, so he said hi to me while I was visiting, I pet and chatted with him and the cats for about fifteen minutes, it was nice.
I have to drill down into paperwork tomorrow, taxes and loan certification stuff needs to get done. I bought a new laptop that should arrive tomorrow as this one frequently crashes, and the last update really messed it up a lot - it's just really old, Josh has had to fix it for me a few times. I'm excited for an upgrade. And will be grateful to have this machine as backup. It's my first time buying a laptop for work so it'll be a business write-off too (at least partially) which will be really nice.
I'm still getting used to life not being terrifying all of the time, and 44 years of that is hard to just get over after a handful of years filled with love, support, stability, gentleness, and ease. I feel kind of like those circus elephants that finally make it to a sanctuary after being in some cramped zoo for decades, shell-shocked, but so grateful. To just be able to lie in the sun under some trees and have friends around and ample resources and space and time and not be constantly on guard for whatever horrible thing is about to happen next.
I think having counseling weekly also means I just don't have quite as much stuff to flush out here. But I shouldn't let that slow me down, I need to journal just as much, with or without therapy.
Today was lovely. My therapist helped calm me down a little bit, comforted me over the spinning out from our last session, as we're hitting some really deep trauma that I haven't ever wanted to unearth and never really fully understood the impact of. I've been hurting and also a bit adrift, not sure what the point of anything is, which he says is very typical when someone passes one year of sobriety.
I did silks and visited Jim's cats unscheduled, just to say hi to them, and took myself soaking on a whim, just because I had the time and have been hurting so much. It was really nice. I prefer going alone, as fun as it is to go with Josh or Finley.
Part of my reluctance to join Josh and Natasha on the Moab trip in May is because I enjoy having the apartment to myself. And I never do because while I am gone constantly working or grocery shopping or hiking or etc., Josh is pretty much always here, when I am.
I can't decide if I will be jealous and angry with myself for not going or if I will be just so happy to be home alone with the kitten.
Avalanche got spayed yesterday, she is handling the cone so well, and recovering nicely. She plays but not too much, rests and eats and let me pill her this morning without difficulty, I did not get bitten. Despite being put through all this, she looks at me with such an expression of love and care. She still sleeps with me every night. Though she has only draped herself across my chest a couple of times. Last night she was snoring, and I dreamed of Darwin, because he used to snore the same way, this soft, gentle, rhythmic, musical snoozing that was just soooo adorable. I think it's a smoosh-face thing, Darwin had some sort of persian or other smooshyface cat in him.
It was one of those kind of sad dreams where I was like, "Oh, Darwin is still alive, I thought he was gone!" which I often have with pets I have lost. When I awoke and slowly realized it was Avalanche who was snoring, having her was such a comfort. She purrs and purrs. It's so sweet how overflowing with love she is, just kinda naturally. She just loves life, she just loves being a cat. The contentment is palpable and so comforting and dazzling to witness. An animal who is so consistently happy.
I've been trying to brush her lots every day since she can't groom herself with the cone on, she seems to really appreciate it and is hungry for lap time, probably largely for this reason. It's been a nice way to bond with her more, if a little messy and time-consuming. She's worth it.
My step-brother Jim has a camera hooked up in his kitchen to watch the cats, and he can talk through it, so he said hi to me while I was visiting, I pet and chatted with him and the cats for about fifteen minutes, it was nice.
I have to drill down into paperwork tomorrow, taxes and loan certification stuff needs to get done. I bought a new laptop that should arrive tomorrow as this one frequently crashes, and the last update really messed it up a lot - it's just really old, Josh has had to fix it for me a few times. I'm excited for an upgrade. And will be grateful to have this machine as backup. It's my first time buying a laptop for work so it'll be a business write-off too (at least partially) which will be really nice.
I'm still getting used to life not being terrifying all of the time, and 44 years of that is hard to just get over after a handful of years filled with love, support, stability, gentleness, and ease. I feel kind of like those circus elephants that finally make it to a sanctuary after being in some cramped zoo for decades, shell-shocked, but so grateful. To just be able to lie in the sun under some trees and have friends around and ample resources and space and time and not be constantly on guard for whatever horrible thing is about to happen next.
