serafaery

In happier news, Josh and I hiked Lyle Cherry Orchard yesterday and saw the burn area from the Rowena fire and it does not look bad at all, I'm sure there are sections we can't see and I did see some homes burned which is very sad, but for the most part the Gorge looks the same, it was not nearly as bad as the 2017 fires, and Rowena Crest, with the hike and wildflowers, are all okay. Just to the east of it is not, but maybe because it was so early in the season, the fire sort of zigzagged and big swaths of land are untouched, and many of the mature trees in the burn areas seem okay, it looks like mostly underbrush that got damaged.

The hike was beautiful and Josh was very happy.

(I would have rather been on Dog Mountain, but that's okay.)

We also saw the brush fire areas on hwy 14 on the way home, they were small (both were 50 or less acres) and won't leave big scars either. So relieved.

I let that customer altercation mess up my entire day, but I don't see the point of beating myself up about it. In retrospect, the whole thing would have gone much better if I had just confronted her the first time her card got declined, or the second time, instead of just hoping blocking her would keep her from coming back. This is the first time I've ever used the block feature though, so there was no way for me to know it wouldn't work. A good learning experience, I just wish I had the emotional regulation to not let it effect my entire day like that. I stress ate candy and cookies and dove into hours of youtube rabbit holes to distract from the unbearable anxiety, and avoided my phone for the entire day. I missed all the sunshine and the chance to do laundry or catch up on the website. The messages she sent back were not unkind, but she did try to say she never canceled on me, when I have text evidence of exactly that happening. So that kind of sucks, but she's just confused and as I said before, her life is hard, but she's not being mean about it, and I'm grateful for that. But she is trying to avoid responsibility, or is maybe just overwhelmed/confused, life can be like that. I might refer her to other sparklers who cost less in the morning, that might be my best option in this scenario, since she is saying she can't afford to pay late fees and even the sparkles are a stretch for her financially. guh. I don't like the idea of giving my competition more business but I dunno what else to do. I get it - a lot of us are struggling. Me too. But I can't let people take advantage of me, even by mistake, if it happens more than once. I'm past that phase of my life, I hope.

The woes of service work. It'll be okay, I'll feel much better tomorrow. Maybe I can go see bear grass, or if I'm still in pain, stay home and do some gentle self-care.

It's fine to lose a day here and there, it happens, life can't always be productive, some days are just duds. I'll recover. There is lots to look forward to.

Need to organize my day in my head, I am so tired and unable to focus without writing first.

Had the most amazing night at Shadowplay last night. My DJ played all the things, the crowd was fun, I met some new people and Amanda and I danced, we have fun together. She was really low energy and in pain and left early. That was me for months!

I was excited to have the energy to stay, despite a long beautiful hike up Saddle Mountain with Josh and Tyler the afternoon prior. I've never seen so many continuous wildflowers, it was shockingly beautiful. We had so much fun. Tyler protected snails in the trail. He admitted to me when Josh was not within earshot of an emotional night the week before in the ER, where he volunteers weekly. Someone came in for chest pains, was not given priority, and ended up flatlining and dying. He is too sensitive to not be effected by these things, as much as he stays calm about it, I worry that medicine is not the right choice for him for this reason. (It is why I never went into animal care, despite my adoration of animals - I could never bear the sadness of seeing so many suffering and dying critters.) I am grateful that he can share these things with me, and offload a little bit of his pain. Though he mostly keeps it to himself.

My legs were tired from the hike and I worked all day and the club was extra packed when I arrived, but somehow I still found space to dance and as the night progressed my energy increased. I loved Derek's musical choices and people were so kind, I got so many compliments left and right. I danced *hard* - I danced as if nothing were wrong with my body. My left foot and back are complaining today, but not too badly.

(Was able to engage in intimacy with my husband when I got home, despite it being 2:30am and me being sore and exhausted, I am proud of myself for this, it was nice.)

...

It is one of those soft Oregon summer days when there are half clouds, half sun, a rain shower and then balmy sunshine, then rain again. 60 degrees but it feels warmer. Light breeze. It's beautiful. It will rain hard tomorrow. I have aerial and a facial, and potentially will sparkle a girl's softball team in the afternoon, but I almost kind of hope not. I want the cash but not the headaches lol. It might be relatively easy though, as I wouldn't have to wear wings and they only want gold/silver/black. We'll see.

...

I just texted "easy peasy lemon squeezy" to someone - I am not in my right mind lol.

...

It's 1:20pm already! First day of summer! I am so tired! I cooked a huge bounty of food for Josh, and had a tasty lunch myself. I want more food. Trying to stick to a slight caloric restriction and my brain is already starting to go into hyperfixation about food over it, sigh.

My labs came back from my second blood test - the first showed no rheumatoid indicators, which is what we expected. My CRP is 1 which is typical of people with depression. (My husband's is like, .3. We are fitness folks with very healthy eating habits, mine should also be low, but alas, the emotional stress of childhood trauma interferes. It could be worse! My childhood was lacking in some needed things but it could have been so much worse, I am okay, I will be okay. My poor parents. They tried. That matters the most.)

Anyway, there are some odd results in this test. My usual weird low sodium marker, despite the fact that I was trying really hard to be mindful not to over-hydrate and to salt my water before this test. Because my sodium always reads low and I thought maybe it was because I tend to hydrate extra much before blood draws. This time I also have low levels of other things most people do not have low levels of. My white blood cell count is low, my Alkaline Phosphatase is low - something that helps process protein. It is not too far outside the range of normal but it is strange. For most people if something is wrong with them, these things are elevated. The only thing I can figure is that either it is a really odd reaction to excessive amounts of emotional stress around my 50th birthday and the coinciding diagnoses of untreatable arthritis in my hands, feet, and back, OR, my thyroid is under-functioning. Or both. My mom was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in her late 60s, so that tracks.

Come on lil thyroid, you can do it. lol.

...

Things to do on this beautiful summer solstice:

* four huge sparkle orders to get out.
* take vitamins/supplements.

* clean my room - it's getting hard to function.

* website updates - why do I keep putting this off?!?!

* would love to give myself a haircut today - summer boost!

* would love to do some laundry but it is not too urgent.
* would also love to do the floors.
* would also love to sleep! lol
* need a little bit of cardio at some point today, even if just an easy evening bike ride or something
* some strength training would also be good.

* 5calls.org calls for voting against the public land selloff in the new stupid senate version of the bill that's being voted on July 4th - I want to find a way to make myself do this calling daily until the vote occurs. I *hate* phone calls. But it gets easier each time. My reps here in Oregon already oppose this but my understanding is the volume of calls makes a real difference in these matters.

I did manage to scrub out all the sinks/tubs this week, happy about that.

I want to cut my hair! It is sooooooo scraggly, it needs some TLC for reals.


...

Still high from last night. I was bouncing all over the place. I was talking to people I don't usually talk to. I was so so so so happy. I met this guy River, he explained that he only comes on weekends but is at Coffin a lot, and had never been to Shadowplay (which is on Thursdays). He said, "I dance a lot. Nobody moves like you."

A lady Jackie called me "perfection."

Several young girls compliments my outfit. Violet also always gushes over me, she said, "You're so beautiful, every time."

I caught several people mimicking my motions, which is delightful to me - it makes me feel as if I am doing something right.

(I wish I had been vain enough to set up my cell to take some video of me dancing - but I was honestly just too caught up in the fun of it to even think of doing so. For three hours! So fun. I caught my silhouette now and then and it makes me happy, the slinky outline and sultry movements and finger flourishes with hair swaying and little horns on top.)

I tried to flirt with Victor, who just announced a breakup with Ophelia after 7 years (they are still friends) and is a cute lil fae creature, he occasionally even wears ears! - but he is younger than me and has no interest, and I don't think he knows how to flirt? I don't actually want to hook up, but flirting on the dance floor is fun and opens him up to the concept for other ladies who might witness such behavior. There were several beautiful young goth creatures trying to get closer to him and he didn't seem to even notice. He did come and chat with me and was very sweet, and I hope to make it to his Sunday night DJ thing at Coffin.

I fawned all over Derek for making the night so perfect. He just grins at me like I am very silly. I am, I know. I feel some slight ownership over him, having been dancing at his DJ nights for EIGHTEEN YEARS lol. Our friendship is old enough to vote lol.

I love the club. STILL. Who knew this was possible at age 50.

Here is a photo of my 'fit - I couldn't get the lighting right and I apologize for the messy room. Avalanche always photobombs my selfies on dance nights, she doesn't want me to go and tries to get her white fur on all of my black clothes lol.



...

I have bone spurs in my feet! And my back! And arthritis in my hands! And there is no cure for any of it! It hurts all the time!

But I have NO arthritis in my dysplastic HIPS. Which is AMAZING, given the fact that I have hip dysplasia and have been excessively active all my life in a number of sports many of which are hard on hips.

My shoulders are also clear.

I will take it. I will cope. I am doing better than I should be, and I will keep trying to live my best life, in whatever body I am gifted as I continue to burn through this little flicker of existence. I am beyond grateful, my heart is bursting with the beauty and wonder of it all.

....

The eagle fledglings are on the nest. They are snacking on something - well, one of them is. I think it's Gizmo but unsure. Every sighting until they disperse is a gift.

Must get to work!

Here are a few photos from Saddle Mountain. They don't do it justice, but it helps me remember the shocking beauty of where we were on Wednesday.


We were in forests of larkspur above our heads, I've never seen larkspur like this.


Tyler enjoying the view.




Tyler enjoying the larkspur


Salmon berries are a native berry with not a lot of sweetness, they range from light orange to deep reddish orange, depending on the variety. No one bothers to try to cultivate them so we only get to enjoy them on trail. I try to leave lots for the bears and the birds. Such a delightful coastal Oregon treat. I fed some to Josh, who is seen fuzzily walking ahead of me.

there is no lonelier feeling, than sitting with my in-laws, listening to them talk about family members, and having no family of my own other than an estranged brother, no kids, no parents, no way to relate, no history with these people, no cousins in contact, no stories to share. And being shown pictures of someone's toddler eating spaghetti, as if it's supposed to mean something to me.

it didn't help that today my husband was in one of his autism moods where he just sat and silently scowled at the table the entire time and refused to answer any questions, other than to shake his head dismissively and keep scowling. I am hypervigilant and was trained to never allow anyone to sit unhappy, lest I risk my worthiness of being part of the family at all, so when he does this it makes me unbearably uneasy. he can't understand or care or even be brought to the awareness to even consider the effect he might be having on others when he acts this way.

...

My in-laws are perfectly lovely people, there is nothing wrong with them, and I cannot expect them to keep in mind or understand what it's like for me to keep going through these holidays with them, it isn't their fault, they never met my parents because they weren't here to meet, when Josh and I started dating, they don't know, and it's my fault for refusing to talk about it, I don't want to bring everyone down.

Josh is usually not like this and I love him to pieces, so I am diving into work and not lashing out at him about it, I know he doesn't understand how painful this is for me. I will explain later when I am feeling better and will maybe avoid Mother's/Father's day going forward. I've been trying to hard to connect with my in-laws in a meaningful way and I just need a break. I am emotionally spent.

I'd say I miss my dad, but I honestly don't right now. I miss having one, and he was great, but he left when I was a toddler, I barely knew him, I know he did his best but he never really parented me. It wasn't his fault. I am not mad at him. But I do have neglect and abandonment issues. I had to sort of realize how much he sucked as a father this year and it has been really painful, a big part of me wanted to glorify him and that has kind of fallen apart. One of his cousins who found me online back when he died sent me a letter he had written to his sister back in the early 90s, I was a young teenager, and he got my birthday entirely wrong in this letter, neither the day or the month were close at all. (I have always been annoyed that my brother also can't remember my birthday.) Dad was a chronic drug and alcohol user so I can't really expect him to have been able to remember things clearly, but how sad is that, that he didn't even know when my birthday was.

...

Edited to add: Josh came into my room once I was done with work tonight and apologized, slightly tearfully. He realized it must have been a hard day for me. "I got tired." He was slightly teary. Poor thing. It was very sweet. He's good.

My dad was a good person, too. He did his best, he really did. He came from poverty and had absolutely no support or modeling of any kind, as far as I could tell. And he gave me all the love he had to give, while he was here. I can't really ask for more than that. I know many people didn't really feel loved by their fathers, I am grateful that he was kind and loving with me. We were all so lost and confused, trying to navigate the world together, our little substance-soaked dysfunctional family, sigh.

...

So much has happened and I've wanted to come journal so many times in the past week or so, but I'm just barely stumbling through my days and I am so tired. I am doing my best to process what life will look like going forward with bone spurs and arthritis and no hope for any sort of treatment. I am trying to adjust to a new activity level. I continue to gain weight instead of lose any, I think part of this is the estrogen I am taking, but most of it is stress. I need to do something about my stress levels. My CRP is 1, which is mildly elevated, this is typical of people suffering with depression. sigh. Chronic stress is so bad for our bodies.

Josh and I tried so hard to hunt for houses, we've looked at so many places, but honestly, despite all of our hard work and efforts, we can't afford anything worth buying, in or around Portland. We feel drained and demoralized and very defeated. We hate living in this apartment complex, but we are afraid moving to rent some other apartment will end up somehow being even worse.

It's still possible we could end up buying a very old dark quirky weird low-ceilinged not-level-floored tiny 2br house in Tigard, a distant suburb, which would mean an hour of driving for me each work day at the studio. But. We would not have to deal with all of these random water shut-offs, these astronomical utility bills (they charge us far more than anyone in any house we know pays, like at least double, for our little 2br 1bath apartment, it is a corrupt management company that is notorious for this and there are documented cases of them doing this to renters in other complexes, but no lawyers are willing to help us, we pay 400+ a month for water and electricity), Josh being interrupted during calls, the theft and vandalism and screaming that goes on from all the campers in the neighborhood, our windows getting banged on by prowlers, who stake out apartments here weekly, not to mention the dog upstairs that tried to kill my cat. The little house in Tigard has a yard, it would be hell to maintain (so much bamboo! a wall of arborvitae! grass on a slope!) but I could build an enclosure for Avalanche, to give her safe outdoor space in which to play. I would feel bad for Josh having to work in a weird dark low-ceilinged office, which would also be his bedroom. I don't know. It doesn't seme right to buy a house sheerly because we loathe our apartment experience so much, when we don't really like the house. It's not horrible, but we would not be at all excited about it, we would be trying to make do, which just sucks. It's all of our savings, it seems like it should maybe be something we actually like and would want to live in. But no such thing in our budget exists. So. What do you do. I'm so tired of thinking about it.

It's been a crazy day. I've been in an oddly good mood, considering I got diagnosed with arthritis and bone spurring in my back this morning. My back has been giving me trouble for 2.5 years though, so I am glad to understand the cause better, and to know better what to avoid to keep it from getting too much worse too fast.

I think the sunset walk in the park with Josh last night helped. I usually try to walk an hour after work if I haven't done any other exercise that day. Sometimes it's only half an hour but I aim for an hour, especially with this nice weather and these long lingering days. It's really nice. Easier to do things that are good for my mood when it isn't cold and rainy and muddy out.

Went to silks after my ortho appt. Today is my Saturday. Although there is always work. Scheduling more appts, Thursday and Friday are all full. Shipping out more orders, I have two more for today, I should have finished those but I got distracted. I am uploading documents for a new thing and it's scary and very adult, wheeeeeeeeeee. I will finish the orders tonight and ship in the morning. Must write out check and pay quarterly taxes tomorrow also. I am scared to look at my to-do list, there is always so much to do.

Tomorrow morning I have another blood test, this one I have to be fasted for. Tyler and I will go mushroom hunt after on the mountain.

Josh and I walked to the coffee shop together in the balmy sunshine when I got home from silks, and took out trash and recycling, and he sounds more positive and supportive about the very adult potential process we are considering going through. He's working hard. I am so proud of him.

Josh wants tacos for dinner, gotta get cooking. But wanted to say, I don't usually like house music but this mix was *really* lovely to have on while doing all of that paperwork today.



There has been such excitement on the eagle nest today! Mom and Dad brought five fish! The babies are eating well! They both appear to have food comas at the moment. Since they have fledged we go many hours with nothing happening on the nest, and only occasional sightings in nearby trees, so seeing all the fish and nomming today was pretty fun. Our juveniles will stay baby-ish for a few more weeks as they learn to scavenge and steal and begin to practice hunting.



(The current screen cap of the live nest cam is from winter before Gizmo hatched, the chicks being fed are Misty and Sunny, Misty did not survive a really rough snowstorm in early March. That storm was so bad Jackie was frequently completely covered up to over her head while brooding, and it knocked out the sound and infrared light on the nest camera equipment - otherwise we would hear the eagle's chatter better - for now, sound is being used from a second camera set up on a different tree further away.)

This moment (I set it to start when Gizmo flies in) last night was what I was mentioning in my paragraph last night about the eagles. Sunny came to the nest for dinner with her mom and then Gizmo arrived, this was her first time back at the nest since fledging the day before, and then Jackie just sorta takes it in for a minute and then starts those gleeful "chortles". Seems like eagle delight to me but who knows, maybe just projecting. I enjoyed it so much, regardless.



(They both flew off the nest early this morning, all seems well, it's just hard to adjust to not being able to see them whenever I want lol.)

Josh is training for a European hiking trip and was anxious to get some elevation and miles in, but it was in the high 80s in Portland this week. So I suggested heading to the coast range, where temps would be cooler. Saddle Mountain (Swallala-oost) is a 1800 climb over 2.4ish miles, so less than 5 miles total.

It's my favorite hike in Oregon probably, at least in terms of beauty. I enjoy Dog Mountain more for different reasons. But Dog is east in the Gorge, too hot and dry in this weather.

At the top of Swallala-oost, one can see several mountains: Rainier (Tahoma), Helens (Loowit), Adams (Pahto), Hood (Wy'East), and Jefferson (Seekseekqua), as well as the pacific ocean.

This climb requires some tenacity - it is very steep and rocky at the top, there is a metal grate over the rocks for about the last mile of the trail to help keep humans from slipping. It would be excessively difficult to traverse without those grates. It's hard enough with the extra help.

This is a very special and sacred place. There are rare endangered flowers and butterflies that flourish here and only a handful of other nearby secret protected places. My beloved shooting star flowers are here, a very individualized rare type that cannot be seen anywhere else.

Josh loved all the flowers.

We did this after work, he was able to sneak out early at 3pm for the drive. We hit zero traffic, perhaps it was light because we just had a holiday? We were on the trail and already climbing by 4:45pm and done by a little after 8, after spending a good half hour relaxing on the summit, and stopping for a few photos.

When I do this hike alone I usually head to the beach afterward to dip my hot tired feet in the ocean, but we wanted to go straight home this time (he still had a little bit of work to finish before bed), which was nice because I didn't have to drive in the dark - when we're this close to summer solstice, it doesn't get dark until close to 10pm. It's really nice.








Josh napping on the bench lol




shooting star flower


shooting stars


wood sorrel


fawn lily


western bleeding heart


curly cute ferns


Our native iris


inside-out flower, one of my absolute favorites, it's just so cute!

Josh was bemused that the people he invited said the drive would be too treacherous, complaining of dirt/gravel logging roads, but the windy one-lane road off the highway is entirely paved and quite pleasant, actually. Or they said it would be too steep and dangerous. But Josh decided when we had the summit to ourselves for half an hour, that it was better that people were afraid, just means we get the place to ourselves. :)



.......

Unrelated: the Big Bear Valley eaglets are doing great. It will be bittersweet to see them fledge.

Meant to post this a while ago.

I get to go back to this lookout on Tuesday, through Friday. My body feels like it might be able to do more silks while I'm there.

Fika is our favorite coffee shop in Sisters, a small town in central Oregon, just found out last visit that the owner is from Portland, which makes sense.

These towers are highly competitive to rent and I feel very lucky over the years to be able to snag reservations, they open 6 months in advance at 7am and hundreds of people are all trying to book at once.

I had a strategy that has worked well for me since 2020 (that year, they canceled all of my reservations for covid except a single night, on my birthday. which is today btw). I've had it for my birthday the last three years, and this visit is just a couple days after, so it feels like it counts.

BUT. So far I have not been able to get a single reservation since. No strategies seem to be working. Certain timing strategies seem to fail. Less popular weekday openings are just as impossible as weekends, now. I couldn't get any for June and then also zero for the fall, despite many many many sleepless early morning attempts. I don't have a single reservation for any tower for the rest of the year, which is highly unusual. So, part of me fears that this might be my final visit, here. I'm not sure if it's just gotten too popular or if some sort of system has been put in place that somehow blocks me out? The reservation software is always changing. I can only sort of hope that maybe it updates again and I'm able to figure out how to keep renting. It would be very very sad to lose this part of my life.





































During this trip, Tyler and I relaxed a lot, I brought tons of food so we were well fed. We walked the Green Ridge trail, Tyler studied and I read and doodled in the tower. One night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep, and saw a huuuuge fiery meteor, commonly called a "fireball," clearly visible and super bright even though I wasn't wearing my glasses.

The sky out there is so spectacularly beautiful. And the mountains. And the forest. Lots of birds and butterflies, lizards and squirrels. A couple of ticks but not the dangerous kind, thankfully. I found a single fairy slipper orchid along the Metolius river, and Tyler found the prized King Bolete mushrooms, which I'm still enjoying the fruits of.

The boys are joining me for just one night at the tower, and then have to head home for work and school. I will stay and hopefully get some regenerative recovery time.

Spent hours this morning working on a playlist for the upcoming drive to the fire tower lookout. This will be put to use all spring/summer, it's hard work but nourishing. I'm just on the first draft, but, found a really nice reward here, while digging around for new songs - this one is like a little warm latte on a wooden deck under shade, or a cat curled in a lap, or dappled sunlight through green leaves and crisp mountain air.



We were drivin in the country woods and we didn't know why we were there.
Well maybe we were runnin from the big city or maybe we were runnin to the mountain air.
And then we came upon a cabin of a diner and oh, how they did stare.
I said "Hey...
what's the quickest way to your Motel 6, out in these sticks?"
Said "Hey...
we're feelin kinda weary, we been drivin all day and we need a place to stay."


And they said "Baby there aint no shortcuts on your way.
Baby there aint no highways in these parts.
You know baby gonna have to drive yourself down every little windy road,
If you really wanna get to where you're goin."

Well I was sittin on the therapist couch and I didn't know why I was there.
Well maybe I was runnin from the big issues or maybe I was runnin to a listenin ear.
And then I came upon a maze of emotion and oh, how I did fear.
I said, "Hey...
what's the quickest way out of this mess to that happiness?"
Said "Hey...
I'm feelin kinda weary, I been cryin all day and I need a little break."

And they said "Baby there aint no shortcuts on your way.
Baby there aint no highways in these parts.
You know baby gonna have to drive yourself down every little windy road,
If you really wanna get to where you're goin."

Well I was sittin in the meditation hall and I didn't know why I was there.
Well maybe I was runnin from the noise outside or maybe I was runnin to the stillness there.
And then I came upon greed, hatred and delusion and oh, how I did fear.
I said "Hey...
what's the quickest way to freedom and love, how do I rise above?"
Said "Hey...
I'm feelin kinda weary I've been sittin all day with my mind in disarray."

And they said "Baby there aint no shortcuts on your way.
Baby there aint no highways in these parts.
You know baby gonna have to drive yourself down every little windy road,
If you really wanna get to where you're goin."

Feeling a bit blah. It's such a gorgeous day and I am planning to go hike Dog and I'm so excited to go, but I'm also sad Tyler is not around to join me and it will be warm so I'm a little nervous about overheating. But I can just go slow, and bring water. I got a new water bottle as my old one wandered away last summer at some point.

Yesterday silks was really fun. There was all kinds of craziness - ladder balancing, tall unicycles, short unicycles, juggling, Dutch and Angela doing their crazy perch and spin tricks, adding new stuff, they are famous now for their very unique and insane skill set. Circus is cray. It was so fun. Raven and I were just kind of in awe and very distracted while working on our aerial a little bit, which seemed embarrassingly tame in comparison, but, nice circus ambiance I suppose lol.

Yesterday's counseling was sort of sad. My therapist is very tuned into emotional expression, moreso than words, and he noted that despite all of my hopeful descriptions of what's going on in my life (I was really excited about my fairy hair class going so well and that I've got more teaching lined up and am feeling very reassured about this new stream of income and also it's Beltane season and the weather is beautiful and we've been outdoors so much which is so enjoyable), he noted that my expression was a bit flat. He can tell I am still depressed. I am still not eating great, I am sleeping extra and eating extra, I am not grooming or taking my supplements, I am not feeling at all sexy. He's right, yes.

It's just so hard to function well when everything hurts. My new fun symptom is crepitus in my neck that is so loud it startles me, 3-4 times a day, if I happen to turn my head just wrong to like say, look at my cat. :(

I am still working through "the depression book" and it's still comforting but not really helpful. He has a whole chapter about meaningfulness in human life and it just fell flat for me. He's exactly like me, I should be thrilled. He uses magic to make his own meaning and place in the world. Some people use other things. Religion or some amorphous other "purpose" - we use magic. As legit as anything else, when it comes to human experience. But it does nothing to ease my sense that there's not actually really any point to anything, other than what we decide is the point. Which rings hollow. I don't want imposed outside meaning, but I want something greater than myself, and magic is such a personal, internal experience. I mean, yes of course we can share it and that's what we do, it's inspiring and fun, I know for a fact, I have been told explicitly and I know there are many many more people who have never told me that my influence has transformed their lives (I'm referencing all the people who sparkle for a living or at least part-time to boost their income and enjoyment and quality of life and tell me so, who have learned from me and/or been inspired by me), that counts. But it still doesn't feel like enough to get me through the day? Maybe that's just the depression talking. Josh and Avalanche get me through the day. Tyler and Cynthia get me through the day. Wildflowers and mushrooms get me through the day. Oceans and mountains get me through the day. Coffee and biscuits get me through the day. Sparkles are work. Joyous, delightful work, but still work. I do that to facilitate communion with wildflowers and mushrooms.

...

Need to box up and order. I was going to do calendaring this morning but it makes me feel nauseated to even think about. Maybe just one quick check and then I'll pivot to making Josh the pizza I promised him and packing up the order and packing up for the hike.

I also need to do inventory, that's actually more urgent. I should do that and save the calendaring for tomorrow, maybe.

Tonight is Hexxennaucht, tomorrow is Beltane, Josh is flying away and I will have the weekend to tend to myself and clean the apartment, it'll be nice. I have no work booked but that is okay. Tyler and I are leaving for Green Ridge on Monday and I'm stoked. Can't wait can't wait. I get to go again later in May for my birthday. So excited.

I did wash my face and brush my teeth last night. That is something. I'd love to make myself shower this morning or tonight if I can.

The depression book has this moment where the author talks about seeing a bluebird for the first time. The way he describes it is so sweet. I also felt astonished the first time I saw one. The shade of blue they are doesn't look real. It's so shockingly beautiful on such a diminutive scale, it's hard to describe. I like his reaction:

...the bird that as Naturalist and writer John Burrows put it, "carries the sky on its back and the earth on its breast," had always been a ghost in the past. Another story of my mom's childhood, as magical and absent as the grandmother I would never meet.

( Some intro text )

There, perched on a spindly tulip poplar sapling, was an eastern bluebird.

It was ridiculous.

It was like an escapee from a Disney movie.

A fairy, glimmering in broad daylight.

It was just a bird, sitting there, looking like it was right where it was supposed to be.

It was right where it was supposed to be.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and took dozens of terrible photos, trying to document the event like a Bigfoot sighting. Like a two-headed buck had emerged from the woods muttering prophesy.

The bluebird twittered and flew to some honeysuckle, joining three more of its kind. I stared. Was this important news? A discovery? I wanted to call my mother.

-Jarod Anderson, Something In The Woods Loves You.

(He goes on to describe learning that eastern bluebirds were relatively commonplace in this area, feeling a wave of guilt and stupidity and self-rebuke for thinking they were rare, and then digging further and discovering that 10-20 years ago, they were extremely rare, but that a big push of grassroots conservation efforts had greatly restored their numbers.)

got a kitty on my lap, need to get up and cook for Josh and go to werk oops. But she's so cuuuuuuuuute.

Still very anxious and depressed, but I ate a little better yesterday (still including half a bag of crackers but also lots of veggies and fruits) and I feel good at the moment. I think the hiking helped even though it didn't feel great in the moment. It's peak wildflower season in that area and the trail was packed, and people were rude. Need to sweep and shower and get moving. My work got all booked up thankfully, so now I have a very full busy day ahead of me. But I have tomorrow off! So it's all good. As long as I can pace myself I might even make it out dancing tonight. My feet feel pretty good considering. I am excited about this.