(no subject)

waking up is painful, reality digs its claws into me and it hurts so much. but going back to sleep is scary, too.

ran on the track this morning. will try to bike up rocky butte. i can't even manage a chin-up, this morning. my poor atrophying arms. how will i ever do silks again.

too much life and death contemplation

if this is all there is, maybe that is okay, and cherishing the parts i love about it is enough, maybe that is all i'm meant to do, here.

had a really nice conversation with ben. he helped me a lot. he let me vent about tyler some. so grateful. blythe was with him for the entire conversation. it's better this way. keep my head on slightly straighter.

haven't hennaed my hair yet, kinda keep falling apart after about 4pm. s'okay.

....

My dad's parents died before I was born. (Including my grandma, where my Fae middle name comes from.) I lost my grandparents on my mom's side very young, and my dad in my 20s. It's really just my brother and I, now. We have some distant once- and twice-removed cousins but they are far away and kind but not close. It's scary and lonely and gives me that feeling of a droplet lost at sea.

(no subject)

I guess I should keep trying to document my food, even though my diet is weird right now and my memory is very, very hazy. I think today went something like....

* morning coffee w/ half and half and turmeric and etc.
* a few handfuls of nuts
* a few slices of dried persimmon
* a half of a sesame seed crunch bar thing
* a handful of sweet/salted hazelnuts
* small slice of the pumpkin pie i baked for josh
* a quarter of a pear
* small almond milk latte
* small piece of home baked vegan pizza
* herbal tea
* chai with half and half and 2tsp hot cocoa powder
* bowl of popcorn with coconut oil, nooch, turmeric, pepper, raisins, and goji berries
* a couple bites of vegan cheese

definitely been a snacky day. it's hard for me to eat anything other than tiny portions at a time, right now. it's okay. I'm still eating, that's good. And I rode up to rocky butte, and i ran 2 miles. and just finished my unemployment claims finally. and drafted a thing for my mom's chaplain and obit - just a very very unedited rough first draft, but at least it's a start.

edit: stirred some pomegranate, poppy seeds, dried cranberries, and raisins into some nut butter, sliced an apple, made some more chai, settling in with the vampy show.

still on edge of tears from phone call with Ben, but trying to shake it off. i don't have to cry all day long.