sad days.

Sep. 20th, 2025 01:10 pm
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been in a state of grief the last three days. this happens sometimes. it's okay. it's appropriate given the losses i've experienced.

spent some tearful moments missing Maru this morning. a cat i've adored since his internet introduction some 18 years ago.



the weather is blissfully perfect and josh wants to come join me at the fairy festival for a little while. i will make myself as comfortable as possible, not too elaborate with costumes or makeup because i don't want to cry off a design and make a mess. i just want to wander around and relax, get some inspiration for future festivals when i am feeling more like myself. which i still have hope is possible. aging isn't a direct flat downward slope, there are rolling hills, and i think things will feel not so dire in the coming few years, between now and 60. i will consider reaching 60 a major accomplishment, if it happens, as my dad did not make it that far.
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have not been journaling. there has been so much going on. Josh and I had an absolutely spectacular time for our little 1 night 20hr vacation on the mountain at timberline lodge, swimming in a mountain pool all by ourselves, soaking in the hot tub, exploring the PCT and hiking up to Silcox Hut (not quite a mile up from Timberline). such a lovely little respite, and so needed. Josh kept saying he felt like he was on vacation. It was perfect.

I re-watched Dirty Dancing Wednesday night. Why have I been sleeping on this? This is the best movie ever. It was funny, I had mentioned in small talk with a customer that I wanted to re-watch it, and she commented that "it didn't age well." I am not going to argue with a paying customer, but I have to assume she didn't understand that it was set in the 60s? Even though it was shot in the 80s. If anything, this movie is even *more* timely than it was 40 years ago, because in the 80s, abortions were still legal, and now, as in 1968, they are not so easy to access and it's getting harder by the day. Women are dying, like they were then, because of this.

Also the dancing is just so good and Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze are so young and sweet and it's just so fun and the music is wonderful and I love the feel of an 80s movie, it's definitely a comfort place for me, I remember when we had no cell phones or internet, it was such a different world.

I had a hard, hard emotional crash yesterday, waves of grief that felt like drowning. I somehow got through my work day but could not function after. I've spent most of today in unbearable anxiety and struggling with a tummy ache and feeling generally in pain and terrible. I wanted to do some exercise and some crafting and get ready for the festival tomorrow and I've done nothing. I feel so terrible in my body that I just really don't want to get into costume, I don't know how to feel like myself in my faery attire anymore, I'm in so much pain all of the time and my body does not look like I want it to, dealing with aging is just so so hard, at this stage. Such a difficult place. It was like I fell off a cliff and landed all wrong and am still trying to heal all the wounds from the crash and figure out how to adjust to living at this new lower level of functioning and I'm still not fully accepting what my life has to look like, now. Being 50 and riddled with early-onset arthritis after being a high level multi-sport athlete, figure skater, and dancer, is sooooooooooo confusing. There is no consistent messaging for someone like me, I have to just make it up as i go along. I feel unseen and misunderstood and overlooked and forgotten and alone, most of the time. It doesn't feel pretty and I don't want to get dressed up and I don't want attention and I don't want to try to look pretty, it just feels impossible. but I still want to go. Not sure what to do. I need new costumes, a new more subdued, comfortable appearance. But for now, I will just have to use what I have and try to make it work, try to make it as comfortable as I can. We'll see how it goes. I may only go for a short while tomorrow and skip the nighttime stuff. I might go in the rain on Sunday, as the quieter soggier vibe appeals to me. I just want to see people being creative and fun-loving, and I want to get away from reality for a bit.

I'm sad I didn't get to my puppet that I wanted to make, sad I can't prioritize myself enough to set aside enough time for crafts. This needs to change.

Did you know this weekend is the Mothman festival in Point Pleasant, West Virginia? I want to go, one day. I just recently a few months ago read up on what Mothman is, after years of swooning over the images/concept of this cryptid, and I am just smitten.

...

I picked up the audiobook of Jennifer Grey's memoir, "Out of the Corner," and it is gripping. I love it. Her life is so vastly different from mine, it's so alien I can't relate and can't even be jealous, it would be like being jealous of a squid or something, I just have no reference point for what it would be like to grow up with love and support and a good education and an astonishing amount of privilege. It's like reading fiction. I was so neglected and isolated and my development was so truncated, I will never really feel like a whole complete developed person. She already was one when she was ten years old.

...

I am really enjoying my Finch app, it is keeping me off of the internet which was the main thing I was hoping it would help me with. I still check in but I don't mindlessly scroll compulsively for hours. I am so grateful. There is so much else it is helping me with, too. I brush my teeth every night, I even floss, I trim my nails and wash my face, I take my vitamins, I check my calendar in the morning, I made a to-do list and check things off as I complete them, I do breathing and grounding exercises when I start to feel horrible, it's just ridiculously helpful for someone with clinical major depressive disorder and "trauma brain," I can't even express how grateful I am for this little thing. It only helps a tiny bit with housework, I still am not decluttering and fall behind on cleaning and laundry, I still struggle with avoiding difficult parts of my work though the scheduling/messaging is getting better, it doesn't help much with exercise BUT it did finally get me on a consistent morning physical therapy routine which is HUGE, so helpful in reducing my foot pain symptoms. And it gets me outside for my evening walk, something I used to do consistently but had let go in the last year or so. So grateful. I am not happier, but I am more okay with not being okay, if that makes sense.

one day I will share vampire ball photos.

I missed the Shadowplay anniversary party and it sounded like a blast, I'm sorry I wasn't there for the fun, but I really needed to isolate and self-soothe some really heavy grief that was too much for me to carry. I toasted myself some tortilla chips with grated cheese sprinkled on them and diced up cherry tomatoes and tossed them on top after pulling them from the toaster oven, this was an ideal dinner for how I was feeling last night and I have no regrets. My body looks like someone who comfort eats but that's just where we are at right now, until I find better ways to manage my pain, since i don't take any drugs or drink, food is okay to indulge in, now and then.

I can still do a pull-up, at least on my good days. That counts for something.
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So much I want to share about the past week, and celebrating our wedding anniversary and such (brunch! sunflower farm! silks! dancing! the vampire ball before I got sick last weekend, also!) but I have to run off to work. But before I skedaddle, I just needed to gush about this little app I've been using.

I have never been a gamer, never played any games on my phone or used any sort of gameified app of any kind before - generally even with basic apps like facebook messenger I turn off all notifications because my phone bleeping at me stresses me out so much. I can't even open tiktok without an instant migraine, it's so over-stimulating to my already overwhelmed little brain.

But this app has been a game changer. I don't know if the effects will last, I'm only three weeks in. I complained earlier that it doesn't help with my mood and it kinda doesn't - but I am trying to be at peace with the fact that as long as I refuse medication, I will always be depressed. But it is manageable, with other forms of help.

As I've gotten used to the app and figured out how to use the goals in a way that works for me, the following things have dramatically improved:

* keeps me from doomscrolling - the app itself is more fun
* helps me stay connected to friends - I was getting all kinds of emotional turmoil from reaching out to friends and not getting the kinds of responses I wanted, but the app itself rewards me for it and it is astronomically helpful, I do not depend on their reactions so much, and also their reactions have ALL been positive so far anyway?
* helps me with breath work for calm - I associated breathing exercises with anxiety for so long that I have resisted them for about two decades, but with the app rewarding me for it, I can do it without that association and it actually is starting to feel good again
* I'm actually taking my supplements daily - I get points for it and can get cute outfits for my birb!
* I finally am doing my PT every morning - !!! I struggled with this for MONTHS
* I have brushed my teeth consistently every night for weeks - this is new!
* I am keeping up better with chores and cleaning - something I always need help with!

Along with this, the little "easy wins" help regulate my mood and keep me calm. I have a goal of "think about a favorite memory" and I cannot describe how much joy this brings me on a daily basis, to stop and take just a few seconds to do this is so wonderful!

This goes for "visualizing a peaceful place" and "think about someone who helped me today" and other gentle reminders.

I cannot say enough about how fun this is. And it is FREE! The free version has a ton of features, I don't see the need to upgrade.

There is that danger I mentioned of getting too focused on the rewards and not enough focus on the aspect of self-care and improving daily life, but as soon as I quit that non-official facebook group that has gotten much easier for me. I still jones for the occasional cute item but it's not an overwhelming feeling that distracts me from the tasks themselves. At least for now.

My birb is traveling for the first time and I am actually nervous for her because I never fly/travel any great distance. I wonder if it might help me get over my fear of visiting Mexico at some point in my future, something I've wanted to do for 20 years, ever since I read about the whales in Baja in Douglas Adams' book, "Last Chance to See."

If you are at all curious and want to explore the app, my invite will get you a micropet for joining - for this invite I chose a little gryphon!

I picked a micropet just for you!

Tap this link or use my friend code 4BW641F2QS7 for a special reward!

Finch.go.link


Also look how cute the art is! It's so clever. The day Geogio Armani died, my shop offered "Italian Designer Trousers" - the subtlety of cleverness delights me!

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This interview is absolutely delightful! I did not know Harrison Ford was so warm and wise and wonderful. (I don't follow pop culture very closely, though I do remember him rescuing lost hikers with his personal plane in Wyoming, many years ago.)

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still quite sick. but no fever. josh tested negative for covid when he was sick so i knew it wasn't that but i tested anyway - it's not. just a severe cold.

missing forest time something fierce. might go back to the sunflower farm tomorrow, or go look for mushrooms by myself. or both. it's a lot of driving but i have amy tan's backyard bird chronicles to keep me company.

...

our offer on the house was accepted, so inspection is next, hopefully friday. we're excited and very nervous. this house could get expensive very quickly. it's 25 years old and most likely so are all the major systems (furnace, water heater, roof) so there might be some looming major costs we did not anticipate, we'll have to see. we already know we need to repair the fence and add air conditioning so it's already a bit daunting. oof. need to start moving money around for escrow and all that other adulty stuff i only basically understand. it's all very terrifying, especially as "the big one" (major earthquake that will devastate the region) will hit any day and take the house down along with everything we put into with it. (I've been afraid of this earthquake since i was a child, for good reason.)

But, as i get older, i just can't worry or care so much about the end of things anymore. it's closer now than my beginning, at this point, and could be much, much closer than i want to admit to my partner or loved ones. we die young, in my family. and my body has degenerative problems worse than some 70 year old women i know.

and honestly, the grief i went through when i was younger, losing my grandparents as child and my dad as a very young adult and my mom in the most horrific, slow, torturous way, along with pets and partners and chances at educational goals and the years i lost to being sedentary when my hip needed to be reconstructed and then struggling for twelve years through that recovery process and and and. the self harm, the migraines so painful i dry-heaved from the pain for hours, multiple times a month for so many years, the constant fighting with the addictive genes in this painful body, the mental illness from childhood trauma and neglect, the bone-deep crushing sobs i cried night after night after night that never felt survivable, i know all that took a toll.

i just kind of have to quietly accept everything, including that it might not work out and things could get worse before they get worse. it's nothing worth fretting about anymore, because I don't feel like there's enough left worth fretting over anymore.

the rest of my life is going to hurt.

...

my little self-care app "finch" is so useful but the facebook group is rough, i need to get off of there. all they talk about is getting certain items, they've completely lost track of the point. to be fair, the app has beautiful designs for the little rewards that are available as tasks are accomplished and points are gained, and it's fun to see what they come up with, the creativity and artwork is all so charming and delightful and fun and very silly. I could not resist buying a pair of totally inappropriate "designer italian trousers" in black when they popped up in my shop the day Georgio Armani died. I'm never letting go of those.

but today i kinda lost my shit and gamed the system in order to get enough points for a black flower i don't need and a marshmallow on a stick which is something i don't even eat or have any association with other than campfires which is kinda nice i guess but i don't actually like them? i did this because...? i just wanted them, why? I still do! and I did get the points for them, but it was totally cheating and i'm trying to resist this silliness and focus on the point of the app which is self-care and building better habits to improve quality of life for ourselves, not collecting little trinkets for my birb. i guess maybe my birb could be a crow? lololol.

nah, i think she's a finch, still.

(I named my birb Sarooroo because of the whole Labubu craze - those little demon dolls are hecka cute. I am also NOT buying one.)

it is kinda funny that the finch app has these yellow sunflower glasses and some of those who're getting them show off screenshots of their birbs dressed as Art the Clown lol. Terrifier looks like too scary of a movie for me but I like Art the Clown's style. I wonder if he is demonic like Pennywise or just murder-happy? Being super into halloween means i have friends who are super into horror and I sooooooo am not, but i enjoy the Art design and it's everywhere in all the halloween areas so it's hard not to start to get a little attached, or, morbidly curious?

...

such a wild dip in mood today after 1pm, so frustrating. the morning was really nice. i was actually happy for a little while. it's not as much like being high as it is a feeling of being released from a nonsensical but tenacious gnawing grinding pain, a weight, a nagging, a sharp, hot, clawing sensation that every once in a while releases its talons. it's like escaping into a grassy field after being trapped in a moldy basement. how did i end up back here. i can see the grassy field, why can't i be in it. how do i keep getting stuck like this.

...

I had the fleeting sensation today of wishing that my life circumstances could have afforded me the resources, the family support, and the emotional and psychological scaffolding required to have just one child. I never had a chance to do that, and there are moments, few and far between and very fleeting, when a searing, hot pain of yearning and unfairness digs into me. It's not the same as the waves of grief that come from loss, this feeling of missing something that never was, never could be, a missed chance, something that I was robbed of ever even considering as a possibility, never having the money or support or body that could sustain another life. Sometimes my insides scream over it. It happens very infrequently and it passes quickly. But the pain is cutting, when it is here.

there is a perspective that could be taken that would say, this is an utter biological failure of being. a "you had one job" kind of perspective, genetically. i was supposed to create another human, to perpetuate this little bloodline. that's the whole point of life and i failed.

but deep down, we know, that is not the whole point of life. the whole point of life, is love.

..

It's also sad to experience this being a part of the "neurodivergent" community not by biology, but from childhood neglect and trauma. other than being an HSP I'm fairly confident i could have been neurotypical, but, "trauma brain" is a thing that does not work the way a healthy, well-developed brain does. and this is never. going. to. change. this got wired in development and i'm stuck with it.

it's okay, it makes me more compassionate, more sensitive, more a lot of good things. it just. isn't fair. but life isn't. that's okay.

i am so tired of trying to fix my depression. i am more interested in being curious and accepting of this. it's hard for others and i know josh suffers from it, but i suffer more, and the less accepted i feel the way i am, and the more pressure i feel to "fix" it, the worse it seems to get. i just have to meet myself where i am at.
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Josh's cold he brought back from his work trip finally did me in. This is typically the pattern. He comes home sick from travel, I appear to be in the clear for a week, and just as he recovers, I succumb.

It's miserable, this is the sickest I've been in a while. The sinus headache is the worst, I'm just so congested. Had to cancel work and social plans, but I'm happy to rest. I just wish I felt a little less horrible. The pain was bad enough that I took two ibuprofen last night, something I do less than once a year on average, I would say.

Barely slept last night, my nose completely plugs if I lie down so I have to prop up my head.

I dreamt of saltines, that's how much I love them. I found a brand a few months ago that is made with organic olive oil, rosemary, and sesame seeds, and they come in little eight-cracker packets, and I consume one daily. It is such a lovely little airy salty crispy comforting treat. It is childhood comfort food and I love it so.

Josh and I put in another offer on another house. We'll see if this one lands, it's a solid offer, we are pretty serious about this one. It is on an ugly street in a so-so neighborhood, but it is near enough things we like (1/2 - 1.5 miles from several parks, stores, cafes, and his parents) to make it okay. While the street is not attractive, the house most definitely is. We drove by it a month ago and decided not to schedule a tour because of the unattractive street, but I talked Josh into trying again and when we got inside... the two storey vaulted ceiling in the livingroom has a glorious support beam running the length of the room, perfect for rigging silks. !!! I had completely given up on the idea of finding anything I could rig silks in, and my eyes misted over with hope, which I had to hide from the seller's agent who was hosting the open house. There is a cat door and a fully fenced back yard for Avalanche, with easy to maintain landscaping, small but not too small. It is a newer house (2000) so no lead paint. It has an office for Josh with a not-terrible westerly view of some beautiful trees. I have not felt this hopeful during this process yet. There have been zero offers and we sent in a very, very strong one, it will land. We just have to see how the aging roof and such comes out in inspection. It needs new windows and the fence is in need of repair, it might need a/c next summer, things could get expensive quickly, but hopefully we could space out the upgrades. I am terrified of the risk but hopeful for the potential rewards. I never thought I would own a house. Being able to rig silks is a game changer. Josh would enjoy that as well. This might work. It is near a popular mall where I could potentially partner with a shop to sparkle in, which would help me capture customers on that side of town. There is so much potential. There is no street parking but we could move our cars around the corner and have guests park in the driveway of the two-car garage, it is workable. It has rhododendrons and japanese maples, very little grass (we both dislike lawns), a cute little netted covered shelter in the back (a creek nearby probably fosters mosquitoes) and simple decking, it is so sweet. Terrified but also crossing my fingers. We are lucky to hit sort of a sweet spot in the market where interest rates have fallen, but only just this weekend, so the price of houses have not risen in response, yet. So it's a lower monthly payment than paying the same amount for a house a month ago. Or even a week ago.

The forms for these are always stressful but I got through them okay, this morning, despite the headcold.

My reward is this little second cup of coffee with a hint of chocolate sauce and I will settle in with a youtube video of fall decorations from one of my very favorite channels, Renee's cozy cottage.

Avalanche knows I'm sick - she curled up on my lap this morning instead of insisting on her usual morning playtime, she knows.

...

Josh and I had a lot of fun at the Vampire Ball Saturday. We were both tired (I didn't realize I was succumbing to his cold and thought it was just my period making me feel bad) so left just after midnight, usually I dance dance dance the night away until 2am there. Finley made an appearance and was very kind to me and sent me some sweet messages after.

I should post pictures but my face hurts, uuughhhh lol.

Avalanche just came back to my lap purring up a storm, awwww.

I found frozen bone broth in the fridge I made months ago and thawed it last night and had it for breakfast this morning, it was soooooooooo soothing, thanks past me for taking the time to simmer bones for 24 hrs so I could have some healthy nourishment in my time of illness.

Thanks mom for teaching me how to make bone broth.

My mother was magical and powerful and magnificent in so many ways. Her mental illness and addition got the better of her, often, but deep down she was good and she gave me such wonderful gifts and I am forever grateful. Nobody is perfect and while some of her cruelty was unforgivable, I miss her painfully every day and am forever grateful for her goodness, and how hard she worked to provide a good life for me, she absolutely did the best she could and despite all the pain I love love love her forever, for that. I still feel like a broken off shard of her, she was bigger and greater and smarter and just more of a person than I am in so many ways. My depression and hyper-sensitivity have severely limited what I could do with what I've been given, and that is all okay. I am at peace with it. At least in this moment. My body is falling apart and hurting and failing in so many ways, but I've grateful for everything it's done to get me where I am. I am filled with gratitude, today, despite not being able to breathe through my nose, lol. My husband is being a jewel. My cat is being an angel. I am so, so lucky.

...

Maru died, on Sept 6. He was old, well into his 18th year. So I've been preparing for this for a while. He got lung cancer. He was such a magical cute adorable funny delightful charming singularly unique cat. I want to do a tribute with Avalanche in a box for him, I will see if I can get her to do something cute in Maru-style later today. I kind of want to send flowers or something to his owner, but they are in Japan. I am just so grateful for his adorableness and to them for sharing his antics with us for all these years. What a gift. What a funny life this is.

...

Still really enjoying the Finch app. Might be getting a little obsessive. But I don't think it's all bad. Josh asked why I was keeping up with the dishes? I explained that the app is helpful for chores. "You gameified it!" Yep pretty much :) Still perfectly happy with the free version, still learning all the little quirks of it. For example, I gave a few gifts today, just sort of for fun and as an experiment, and did not realize that once it's gifted, it will pop back up for purchase (not money, you get little stones for accomplishing tasks that can be spent on outfits or home decor for your support birb) again, so I don't have to go without myself if it's also something I want to own. I missed my chance on an item I liked, but I am trying to be at peace with not obsessing over collecting items. It's more about the micro-habits and gentle support through difficult tasks, like signing house offer forms :) Which I have another set to do still! But not until after I watch Renee's fall decoration video. :)
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feeling really out of balance and off-kilter.

Trying to keep up energy for vampire ball with Josh tonight. I'm hoping we can at least make it to the midnight waltz. then we can go. that's all I want, really.

Hand washed my gown, for the first time. This will be my fourth time wearing it?

My body does not want a gown on it but we'll make it work.

I started bleeding today, very lightly, I've been cramping since yesterday. I let myself eat corn chips and granola and fresh figs for dinner last night. I have a rule that the first day of my period I get to eat whatever I want. I felt sooooooo terrible and guilty about it for hours, but when I woke up at 4am (as I always do, it's a trauma thing) my body thanked me, I felt warm and held and comforted and it was good. I was not wrong to eat chips and granola and fresh figs for dinner.

The figs are perfect right now. Such a lovely september fruit.

And soon there will be PERSIMMONS. My favorite.

...

Something I realized recently with some deep sadness is that I don't think I will ever be able to reconnect with people through journaling the way I did back in the 2000s. Right now, the only person I feel any familiarity with is someone who posts "daily happiness" about his cats and goes to disneyland a lot. It works because they are basic, everyday posts with basic info and nice photos pretty regularly, and I remember who they are. But for the folks who post long complex reflections, I can't keep track of who is who or how I know them or relate to past entries because I can't remember which one wrote what when. I can sort of remember, oh, this guy is the one who had cancer, that one is the one who is a teacher, this one one is x, whatever, but I get them all mixed up and the entries don't reference basic things about who they are so that I can re-remember anything.

My menopausal brain just cannot keep track.

This is not any sort of criticism of their writing style. I write this way too, and way worse, definitely. I am just writing for me. I gave up trying to write for others when all of my eljay friends vanished. I was so heartbroken and lonely, I just shut down the part of my heart that yearned for genuine connection through journaling. I had to assume I was all alone to be able to keep coming here. I am still friends with a handful of people from those days, one of which dramatically changed my life for the better in myriad ways, including being the reason I met my husband and one of my most beloved best friends/soulmates. She lives in my city now and we still trick-or-treat one another on Halloween. I am so grateful for her, always, and the other long-term friends that stuck for 20+ years.

But it won't work again, my little hurting menopause brain cannot keep track.

It's the same with fiction writing. If there are characters in a book, a name will pop up and I will have no idea, unless it is somehow explicit in the context, oh this is the sister with the vendetta or oh this is the love interest with the curly blonde hair or oh this is the prince with a chip on his shoulder - I cannot keep them straight to save my life. I seriously would need to take notes and refer back until I memorize them and it's SO HARD to do that. The last fiction book I was able to get through and remember any of the characters was Name of the Wind/Wise Man's Fear and that was what, 2012 that I read those? 2011?

I STILL remember Dena and Fela and Kvothe and Feluria and and and.

But going forward I don't know if I will be able to do this, anymore. My brain cannot keep track of basic things, let alone complex things. It really does feel terrifying, like losing ones mind, like having dementia, like taking crazy pills, I hate it so much.

Supposedly this is temporary and after ten or so years of synaptic connection "pruning" (a nice euphemism for a process that shrinks our brains by a full 20%) things will return to "normal" function. "We recover," says the literature, women actually come out the other side slightly sharper than men of the same age. But during? Forget it. I am surprised I can remember the names for colors at this point.

Anyway. I am tempted to simplify my entries somehow, but I don't know. Maybe it's just better to assume I'll be alone here and stay that way.

Aside from Michael B! That connection has actually stuck, come to think of it. :) Maybe all hope is not lost. I don't know.

...

Karissa's dad is doing better. But having her break down in tears about him being sick was mildly triggering, for me. I sometimes have the thought that, holy shit, all those kids I went to grad school with who didn't know what to say when my dad died, probably STILL have their dads, 25 years later. Holy shit there are people in their 60s who still have their dads! My stepbrother's 65yo wife still has her dad (and her mom). wtf!!!!!

It makes my brain and heart hurt to think about this.

I know most people have their moms, too. That I'm more used to running into and having to deal with - people just talk about their moms more, or at least, women do.

It gets jarring when someone loses a grandparent. But I'm slowly running out of friends young enough to have grandparents. I lost mine when I was very young, it never seemed abnormal but it was so painful later to listen to people describe in great detail their beloved grandparents and the elaborate funeral/memorials and a deep and cherished relationship and so many happy memories, none of these things I can relate to or ever got to have.

It is okay, it is all okay.

It's all just stories.

None of it really means anything, in the end.

In the end, my dust will flutter away and none of this will hurt anymore, and there will be no one to remember the hurt, or the love.

I try to hold this in my heart when I think about decluttering, and my body reacts with severe anxiety. "Nobody wants your shit," Sarah. It's all meaningless. It does not tie you to anything. It does not make your life more substantial or concrete or meaningful. It's all useless junk. Nobody wants it. It's in the way. It's a burden.

I am trying so hard not to be a burden.

It is exhausting.
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I love this lady this is my new favorite lady.

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uuggghhhh just need to say, if your approach to depression is, "it's time to fight!", pro tip: you're not actually depressed.
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stalling on getting to the hospital for my x-ray, I really hate walk-in appts! But I've done it before and it wasn't too bad. (I think I had to do this for my shoulder MRI, oddly enough.) I think there is a starbucks inside so I can maybe get a cold brew with cold foam as a little treat when I am done.

Just need to box up an order and drop it off, get packed up for the sunflower farm trip, get gas, x-ray, and then head to Sauvie's.

I am bringing my book/notes/letters as during Halloween they have a really nice outdoor seating area with drinks and snacks and I'm hoping I can hang out and read/write for a bit.

Been studying a house buying book Josh suggested, I'm on sidings and it's a lot. It's really tempting to skip over things like brick and stucco since I doubt I'll buy a house with that sort of siding, but I enjoy completeness when reading physical books. I am getting through it and taking lots of notes!

I still want that Decomposition Notebook with the bats on it really bad. I should buy one for myself, I just haven't yet. I saw them at New Seasons recently but not the bat pattern.

I want to start writing more physical notes and letters since I have become more isolated socially since being in so much physical pain (and resulting deep depression) and the people I love seem to dislike online connection for the most part (grateful to those who are here!), in my ideal world I'd have a messaging group check-in regularly and a weekly zoom with my buddies, but I think because so many people "work from home" they all hate zoom now. My work is the opposite but I don't know anyone else who does service work, except Liz - who was an adventure buddy and figure skating buddy. :( I would love to find a way to reconnect with her but she's also rarely online.

ugh, breaks my heart. Maybe I can send her notes. I need black paper/cards and silver/gold/white paint pens.

Anyway.

The cutest thing happened. I was listening to Sidewalks and Skeletons last night during my sunset walk around the courtyard, and thinking about other current goth/darkwave music, and my new little self-care app that Ta suggested to me suggested that I send her a song recommendation. I was browsing around and it was so funny how this happened, but, last week at the club my DJ played a really good song that I've heard before there several times but didn't know the artist (or forgot), or the name of it. I wanted to know because I loved it but I also was too caught up in the moment to stop dancing, the energy that night was definitely right at its peak when he played it, so I wasn't about to walk over to him and ask what it was. I knew I would hear it again. But it's been bugging me since. So while I was looking for a song for Ta, I was browsing around artists similar to Sidewalks and Skeletons and Crystal Castles came up - and I thought, hey, I bet that's who does that song.

And they are!

So I sent her that song, and I've listened to it probably 15 times since I found it as I was falling asleep last night :) Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.It's not a new song, I don't know how I forgot who did it. Maybe because I have early onset dementia I dunno (I really feel like I have this, sometimes).

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one day I will try to write a new little intro page thingie. but I don't want to do it when I'm depressed and I'm usually depressed, whoops.

Slept through most of the night pain free, and actually had a pleasant dream for once (I get nightmares chronically most nights, it's a common issue with cPTSD/childhood trauma). But I was slow to get out of bed and the back pain crept back in.

A friend suggested a little self-care app called finch to me (lmk if you want an invite, can send it via email or DM or whatever), I failed to use her invite because I didn't understand how but I did friend her when I got there, at least.

It seemed like the app helped me a lot, today. I got through a bunch of stuff I've been struggling with for weeks. I made an appt for my orthotics for my injured right foot, I messaged my doctor at Rebound (disappointing reply but at least I tried), figured out how to get my x-ray done for my ankle (I might go first thing in the morning and then reward myself with a visit to the sunflower festival at Bella Organic Farm on Sauvie's Island), and asked to reschedule an appointment I am not ready for. I asked our realtor to schedule in Josh for a showing this weekend and asked our broker to draft some payment estimates for the house, in case we decide to put in an offer. I have gotten my heart set on another house that I'm hoping will be right for us. Its downsides are workable and it seems like a good little house overall, but there's no way to know for sure until we do an inspection, so. I'll at least look forward to walking through it again with Josh this weekend.

Got some errands done, attended to some work messages I'd been neglecting for a bit, took my supplements, played with Avalanche a lot, did some reading/studying, did some laundry, keeping up on dishes despite Josh not being here (usually I let it go as soon as he leaves), even did my PT this morning.

functioning fairly well but I still feel just absolutely miserable. It is so frustrating. I am working on avoiding the news altogether, especially NPR, which has become just constant violence. I am working on listening to soundscapes and music and not doomscrolling so much, it is helping a bit, it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be.

Just still really reeling from trying to figure out who I am and how to move forward with this really painful body. it feels like dying and I am fixated on death, which happens when I get really depressed. So I know that even though I am getting through some tasks, even ones that can be really difficult for me (medical stuff), I am not well.

It feels like I will never be well.

It's just really hard to figure out how to move forward.

I want to be outside more but it's 90 degrees with poor air quality, alas. Tomorrow will be slightly cooler and a little bit of light rain, I am looking forward to that. x-ray and sunflowers, maybe? I've only been to Bella Organic farm in the fall for the haunted corn maze, it would be nice to see it in summer.

It's nice to have Tues/Wed as my weekend :)

Josh is out of town so I'm a little lonely and eating too much peanut butter (forbidden when he is home) and also relieved that I don't have to pretend to be okay for anyone. I am isolating a bit, I just am so tired of not being seen and listening to what everyone else is going through and not being able to share where I am at because it is too sad.

The friend who sent me the finch invite has been through a lot of death and loss like I have, not quite as much as she still lives with her parents, but her beloved little brother committed suicide a few years ago :(

time for sunset walkies. just had a tearful phone call with josh. he's in New Jersey for work and feeling lonely. we're okay, it's just kinda sad for us right now. walkies will help me not wallow in it too too much.
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A blessed Sunday to myself. Josh flies home from his weekend with Emily tonight. I'll go get him at the airport, and then take him back in the morning for four days in New Jersey for work - poor guy, too much flying.

It's another 95 degree day so I'll close up the apartment and turn on the a/c for Avalanche before I head out to the farmers market. I haven't decided if I'm biking or driving, yet. I'm a bit worn out from all the hiking yesterday. But maybe I can just take it easy on the bike? We'll see how I feel once I'm dressed.

The crows are chattering sweetly. It's slightly overcast and cooler than yesterday, at least so far.

Tyler and I ran off to the coast yesterday to escape the 100 degree day. It was lovely, but unfortunately traffic was a total nightmare. This is why I never go to the coast on weekends in the summer. But this was the only day Tyler could go so I decided to tough it out. It took about three hours to get there and almost 4 hours driving to get home, it was sooooooo bad. (Usually a coastal drive is less than 2hrs each way, but, I always go on Tues/Wednesdays.) But I still would have rather been with him than alone, the trail itself was empty, the mountain was beautiful, and we were treated to the most delightful beach sunset, which was legitimately chilly! So nice after a hot day of hiking. I didn't want to brave a busy restaurant so we popped into a local grocery store and grabbed some snacks before heading out, I am grateful for this. I brought us food also, but I didn't really bring enough to feed Tyler, whose metabolism is 4x as fast as mine, so extra snacks were needed. We found so many cool mushrooms! Quite the score for summer!

It does always make me a little sad that my presence in a beautiful area requires disrupting the space that elk and deer and other forest life used to be able to call their home in peace. I will never not think about this. Even the bugs that get accidentally squished upset me, I can't help it. These kinds of things are why I hate to travel, I try not to drive very much (I put about 5,000 miles a year on my car), I don't like to fly, I feel like I just cause damage and wreckage by existing. I saw this funny video about Europeans protesting the flood of American tourists and it just made me laugh a little. This is why I don't go! But it's also the case, as always, that my sacrifices make so little difference and entitled rich people will just keep traveling and flying everywhere with no concern for the damage it causes. There was this retired couple being interviewed about getting shot with super soakers by Madrid locals, and they were chuckling and saying it was refreshing in the heat and "very exciting actually," which just, uuuuuuugh. These countries depend on tourism, but it's gotten out of control. It reminds me of the car bloat that has happened in this country - nobody thinks about the social and environmental damage of driving a huge car, everyone gets bigger and bigger SUVs and trucks and act like it's just normal. And here I am in my little Fit, desperately trying to see around all these monstrosities on the road all around me while trying to stay safe, it's soooooooooooo awful and nobody talks about it or cares. Nobody needs giant cars! But it's easy and has become normalized and makes them feel safer and more powerful to tower up over everyone else. It's sickening and I hate it. Just needed to vent about that.

I am just... so mindful and thoughtful about my impact, in a world where people just rampantly cause destruction and pollution wherever they go without a second thought. It's why I have this pet peeve about disposable coffee cups. I have been bringing cups to cafes forEVER, I hate making trash unnecessarily. I do this in restaurants (which I rarely go to) whenever possible too, to avoid all that plastic waste. But even after decades, it just doesn't catch on. It's so easy and only takes a moment of thoughtfulness (oh, we're going to get tacos, I'll grab a pyrex just in case we take something home), but nobody else bothers, and they look at me like I'm crazy and grudgingly take my cup or bin as if I am so crazy hippie weirdo. Everyone should be doing this. But alas. It's just little me. I feel so alone in this. It is all set up this way, it is impossible not to make trash, I did it last night buying Josh's lasagna at that lil grocery store, as I hadn't anticipated the purchase and didn't have a bin. It sucks that this isn't just how we do things. Nobody is perfect and I'm not trying to personally blame or guilt anyone, I just wish the culture was different so that this was not such a painful uphill lonely battle. But. I will not stop. Every once in a while I do get a sweet compliment from a barista or something. "It's that sweet environmentally friendly fairy lady!" lol.

My cups have become fashion statements too, due to the art stickers I've added to them. Spooky bunny and mushroom skull and baby Zero and shooting star flowers all get noticed. It's nice. Even for the iced drinks, baristas will exclaim, "I love mason jars!" :)

....

Today I want to visit the farmers market, grab some other groceries and n/a beer, read the house hunting book, and write some cards to my friends with cancer/terminal illnesses.

The floors are swept and I'm caught up on orders. There are ants again but I'm working on it. Website maintenance would be nice but I also want to research possible puppets for the festival this year. I could get started on my moth, or look into a possible light up night puppet with moveable wings and paws (I don't know what this animal would be yet - maybe a made up one - a ghost dragon? I dunno).

...

Been craving so many treats: a buttery pastry, a glazed doughnut, a dipped cone from DQ, a vegan fast food burger (maybe the fake chicken or fish sandwich, with sweet potato fries?), olive/rosemary focaccia. Maybe I can find something indulgent at the market, today. But first, more coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

...

Wrist feels much better, glad I took a break from silks. I avoided using trekking poles yesterday for Neahkanie mountain, which is a 1400' elevation gain hike with lots of roots and logs and erosion and rocks, but it went fine. I might have to do this a lot more going forward, since my hands hurt so often, these days.

Okay an hour left to get to market, time to cool down the apartment, Avalanche is crashed out asleep, time to get going.
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Woke up from my nap with a throbbing wrist out of nowhere. All I managed to do was feed Avalanche and message Tyler about hiking tomorrow and go back to bed. It hurts so much, I don’t know why. I don’t remember anything happening.

I wasn’t able to give avalanche any playtime today - I had less than 4 hrs of sleep, then counseling and taking Josh to the airport, then work. I had to close up the apartment against the heat so she didn’t have her usual open windows to watch birds and squirrels. I crashed when I got home. Despite not playing with her at all today, she’s curled up between my legs. She loves me anyway. So grateful.
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so grateful for my little window a/c unit that kept the apartment cool for Avalanche while I was away at work, today.

so grateful for the a/c at work that keeps me and my customers comfortable on 100 degree days. It's miraculous!

so grateful for iced coffee drinks in the afternoon.

so grateful for dancing late into the night with fun, kind, attractive, silly, fun-loving people and closing the place down at 2am like a bunch of kids, and for Derek playing my favorite songs that kept me going until the wee hours of the morning, causing the required afternoon iced coffee. (He ended with Boys Noize for me! Again!)

so grateful for my sparkly job and the kind, sweet, gentle people who come to get sparkles in their hair from me, for prancing around in faery wings and ears all day, for a beautiful microgreen salad for lunch, for a beautiful breakfast of greek yogurt and berries and crunchy almonds.

for indulging in peanut butter to my heart's content while Josh is away for the weekend.

for a weekend free to do exactly what I want (other than a small mount of work which I am also grateful for!)

so grateful for customers continuing to fill up my appointments, week after week, keeping me afloat, keeping my cat and I housed and fed and our needs met.

thankful for my body not hurting too much today, despite putting it through the ringer this week - grateful I trusted my instincts and opted out of the hike and bike ride that might have increased my pain levels.

grateful for avocados! did you know that they are wonderful with peanut butter?

did I mention how much I love coffee.

I am exhausted and happy and content, tonight. It is 96 outside and 76 in my apartment. I am fed and sheltered and loved. life feels perfect in this moment.

it is 4:59pm! I get to have non-alcoholic beer whenever I want! (I try to wait until after 5pm to start drinking even if it's fake non-beer lol.)

grateful for my sobriety. I complain about it a lot because I get jealous of everyone's quick-fix coping mechanisms (drugs or pills or whatever) to deal with the ills of this world, but it really is better for me to not do any drugs or pharmaceuticals.

someone asked me at the club last night - a cute younger kid in some darker colored raver type pants - asked me if I was a Tiefling. I definitely could be! If I were ever into Dungeons and Dragons I'm sure I'd have played tiefling characters. I had a Tauren the one time I played WOW. I enjoy horns, what can I say.

grateful for saltines, and other small packaged treats that keep me going throughout the day.

grateful for a cozy bed I shall likely fall into at any moment :)
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The mountain was so beautiful. Tyler was so calm and kind and patient. Josh also, who encouraged this venture.

I am not depressed this morning and I am confused about it. Normally I am searching for ways to self-soothe in the morning just to function, but I am all right, at the moment, so I don't need to. It's so abnormal it's disorienting.

Maybe I can actually do some PT before work, today?
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Just wanted to acknowledge, I know three beautiful women who are either terminally ill or receiving chemo for very aggressive forms of cancer. I have lost so many friends and family members, I think this sort of thing becomes triggering, after a while. I bought cards for all of them today, but I don't have their mailing addresses. I will figure out how to ask, maybe in a couple of days I will try.

I am so grateful for what I have. I wish I could find a way to be at peace with this life, as it is, in this moment.

Maybe the stars will help.
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This lady is amazing and this cosplay is amazing.



...

I am enjoying the inspiration from her channel, and I went back for the fuzzy white fur. I may make a moth or a butterfly or something else; a little white cursed bird, who knows.

I'd really love to make some sort of soft plushy costume that would completely obscure my human form and be easy to interact with, like Totoro, but I am not sure what that would be, yet. I have imagined variations on dragons and birds, but still have come up with nothing, so far. Will keep contemplating this.

I might make my puppet one of our local native blue butterflies. Fender's Blue has a remarkable recovery story, thanks to the efforts of those who also fought for spotted owl recovery in Oregon.



Its host plant is a rare, beautiful purple lupine called Kindaids. I could base a fairy costume on that flower.





I just love its fuzzy lil blue body and those stripy antennae! Many of our local gossamer winged blue butterflies have these characteristics.
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Natasha made me a slideshow of Avalanche's kitten photos, I love it so much.



Things I'd love to do today: things to do list )
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9am on a beautiful Saturday morning. So much sunshine!

Will try to get on my bike here in a bit and ride up to the farmers market, I don't need anything but the ride will be good for me regardless, I think we are low on a couple things.

Some friends are hosting a bbq so I will try to swing by for that, I randomly bought some hot dogs for it last night even though they didn't ask for such a thing - I don't know how to show up to anything empty handed.

Finally vacuumed out my car. Dodged all the bullets. That place where we used to go when I was a kid is the only one of its kind in the entire city, so weird! It was fine.

I just need to wipe down the inside before I put all my stuff back in the car. The windows desperately need a thorough cleaning. I'll do that after my farmers market run.

Need to box up one order, it's small it'll be fine.

My hands and fingers ache fiercely today, I don't know why. It hurts so much. They are more swollen than usual, but no redness.

I've been failing to take any of my supplements, I haven't been entirely consistent with collagen and I keep forgetting my fish oil. I think getting back on that stuff would help.

Tummy is unhappy.

I should probably try to take a shower before socializing, ha.

So much cleaning I want to do! Maybe tomorrow. I want to tackle the bathroom and the kitchen and just throw most of my stuff away that's been collecting since we moved here. It'll make it easier to move, when the time comes. I need to do the storage unit and garage, too, but that's much more daunting and requires a lot of emotional work since I have bins of my mom's old things in there. I have to give myself permission to ignore that and just keep storing it, if I have to.

I woke up really sad and anxious but my mood is improving. I forced myself to go to Cynthia's last night to catch up and bake pears that were delivered to her doorstep by a neighbor. We ended up making two vegan sugar free pies, they are delightful. We had fun. Hanne has an aggressive form of breast cancer, she has already cut her hair and started chemo. She just got her diagnosis like less than two weeks ago. So things are moving quickly. It sucks but she has really good support, her husband is retired and they have plenty of resources, and she has friends, it sounds like she has as much support as anyone could hope for. I am glad.

I want to send her a card, and also my friend Robin who is going through chemo for pancreatic cancer, and also Naomi. I will pull those out and decide who gets what or maybe buy more if I need to. Will swing by a shop that has nice cards and look for something for the three of them. Sigh.

I've been so incredibly lonely and depressed. I feel a million times better when I am with others, but I rarely can manage the effort to make myself go be social. I tell a lot of stories to myself about being unwanted. It's gotten a lot worse with perimenopause, struggling with disliking my appearance and my body being in a lot more pain than I'm used to (and I'm already used to a lot of pain).

K, coffee is cold, that's my cue to get on my bike and get some sunshine on my skin and these achy joints.

It will be hot tomorrow. I'm okay with that. But worried about the fires. It seems like we're the only western state area not engulfed in smoke at the moment. Our turn is coming.
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had kind of a rough day, the moon is full, I am having no luck getting into the shower so I can go dance at the club. I can just go for an hour. I just want to pop in I think. No crazy outfit this week, no crazy dancing, just, be in the space I feel safest for a small while. I can do this. Why is it so hard to move.

I have devolved into a really painful and nonfunctional place psychologically and I'm not sure what to do about it.

In so much pain, and so scared about it. Worried for Josh, whose parents' health are failing in multiple ways simultaneously, and seeing how he can't handle it, and seeing how I am on the same trajectory. He won't be able to handle my decline, either. Neither will I. It's going to get so much worse, and I am so scared.

I think I am still too traumatized from the unbearably slow and unspeakably painful way my mother died to be able to ever feel safe or unafraid.

My brain has not worked at all today.

I keep doing crazy stuff like, grabbing the wrong key for the wrong door, I sat on the toilet before lifting the seat, the voice inside my head keeps calling Avalanche "Willow" (my cat who died in 2011, that Avi sometimes reminds me of, they are the same size and softness and they both trill, but they don't look alike, and Wil has been dead for 14 years, so it scares me when my brain does this).

I have been sleeping since 6pm, I think I just need to go back to bed. I can dance on Sunday instead, it's okay.

I feel very lucky that Brandie texted me about the moon. I am sad that our friendship fizzled, but I appreciate her moon texts, they have been consistent lately. I asked her to do this for me when Madoc died of cancer in 2020, as he was my moon texting friend back then and I missed his messages more than I could bear. You know those people that are just able to find where the two of you meet emotionally, and make space for you there.

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